Fake.

I have no idea what i have been feeling for the past few months.
Happiness, frustrated, sad, or perhaps a feeling of being back stabbed.
It's really tiring.
I think I have lost my dignity while chasing after butterflies which i know i would never be able to catch.
Everyone around me who knows advice me once, twice even thrice that i should not, should never.
But i don't even know what i'm doing anymore.
I'm so ridiculous, whatever i'm doing now is absurd.
Why would i lose myself for nothing?
I need to find my old self which don't give a damn about anything.
IF AND ONLY IF.
BUT NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
I remembered at the beginning they asked that question, which indeed really happened and yep, I really did lost.
I know i just can't and should not hate, but i'm really frustrated.
I can't do this anymore.
Give me a break.

Wanna travel to somewhere again hehe.
Still looking into it either aus first to visit suet.
Or maybe singapore, a short one.
Perhaps Hong Kong would be possible too.
Gimme a lil bit more time and i will get over all these shitty things and people that happened in my life.
I wanted, really wanted to trust you.
But after all these, i just don't think i can trust anymore.
Too many fake faces, too many lies, too complicated to understand.

我的心还没有这么大，能够原谅。
我不是圣人，尤其你是我的朋友。
但是我不会，永远都不会再相信你。

21/1/2017 Sat
下午 1536

Summary of few months life

Yep am back from Japan backpacking trip.
Nothing much went through my mind before going there tho, i don't know why either.
It seemed like for this trip it differed much with my previous Taiwan trip. Can't really state out the exact difference but uhhuh it just felt different lol. Perhaps it's because i still haven fully mastered Japanese language yet, thus created a distance between me and the people there.
Sigh anyway i'm gonna start my uni really soon, I don't even know whether this is the right course to choose.
Spent so much recently..........................
I just can't bear to see my savings shrink so much omg. It shrunk anyway bye all my $$.
After Japan trip i bought a laptop for uni use, so yeah.
For Japan trip i have actually thought of opening up a new blog to write up about some of the details & perhaps guides but i'm so-so-so lazy to do it.
I had a dream the other night HAHAHA, a weird one.
In the dream i'm actually dating with an actor AHHAHAHAHA, and the actor is from the drama i watched recently.
Felt so real tho that i couldn't actually get over it after waking up lol.
I think i changed a lot throughout the year, which i don't really know it is for the best or not.
After a levels ended around last year nov, i started working in Dec to raise money for my Taiwan trip.
I ended my job few days before i went Taiwan, and prepared for the trip. But i was already preparing the trip while working in Dec, so mainly for the last few days before leaving for Taiwan i was just busy looking for some extra info.
Still, for Taiwan trip i did not actually prepared exact itinerary tho, even when i was there i still spent some time to research how to go here and there.
Just that for most of the days i have already booked hostels/couchsurf. Mmh, so i went Taiwan for about 16 days, came back around end of Jan, if i'm not mistaken it's around 22nd of Feb.
Then after rested a few days, i started looking for a job, since that i would actually have to wait for a few months before starting my degree course. So I found a job at TC, at first i applied for customer service, but there is no slot at the location i wanted, so they asked if i would be alright with the position of telemarketing, I accepted it and went for the interview.
It was kinda in a rush tho, if i'm not mistaken on the day i messaged that person, i went for the interview LOL.
And i have never really made a resume previously, so i just took some time to do some research online, made the resume kinda last minute, then went for the interview.
I didn't really prepare for the interview actually........but i saw online some people said that they will ask about your weakness, your positives sides, so in the train while going to the office i just try to figure something out.
In the end they did ask the question, so i just answered it, but i think i was a little bit nervous that time tho.
They also asked about stuff like, working here would be stressful as you need to do sales, how would you release stress stuffs like that.
I was interviewed twice, by two different leaders.
Of course, the second one who interviewed me became my leader hehe.
Previously i told them i will only be working there for three months tho, cause at first i thought my course would be starting in May.
Ended up i worked there for about half a year.
So yeah after the interview was done, the told me to wait for calls from them, they will let me know whether i'm employed or not.
I went for a walk at KLCC after the interview, and i received a call i think a few hours later, saying that i'm employed.
Can't really remember what I felt that time, but I think I didn't felt much HAHA just as per normal lolol.
Yea by then i started my second full time job.
In between i had a trip with my friend to Bangkok too, if i didn't went with her to Bangkok, i actually had plans of going to HK as my second solo trip tho.
But anyway i went Bangkok and had fun huhuhuhu.
Later, I found out that the air ticket to Japan was really cheap, so i bought it.
Sound so easy but i hesitated for quite some time also.
I worked really hard to save up all the money for my trips, no matter for Taiwan trip, Bangkok trip or Japan trip, for all of it i spent my own hard earned money.
So sometimes i would actually get a lil frustrated when people say that i spend my parents money or say that i'm rich.
Nope, sorry to disappoint you but no i do not spend my parents money for my trips and i'm not rich.
Previously during my Taiwan trip, i had a talk with a French girl, she also had people around her saying the same thing and disregarded all her hard work, she is kind of used to it already and said not to be bothered about it.
I guess i wouldn't be able to go for trip for quite some time, felt kinda sad T_T
For the 10 months working & travelling, i think i have lost contact with some of my close friends hahahah.
I was so busy that i didn't really put much effort to keep up with some of them............
My job ended on last day on Aug, then i had one day to pack up and some last minute preparation for my trip.
Flew over to Vietnam first, transited from there to Japan, so i had the most memorable, nope most unsecured day while sleeping in Vietnam airport.
Yes i slept in the airport, at some random window............................
Then i flew to Japan on the next morn, and came back to Vietnam for transit again.
Back home around mid of Sept, and rested for about 5 days i guess, and i started working AGAIN, for another part time job.
It is working hour tho, which is 9 to 5.
So early and i'm not a morning person T_T difficult life just to earn money sigh sigh.
The job ended few days ago, and now i'm preparing for my uni stuff, bank stuff, ptptn stuff and so much more to do.
Uni life will be starting in two weeks time tho, gotta do it faster.
Can't really say that i'm anticipating but not that i'm not looking forward for it but just, i left college for quite some time so yeahhhhhh nervous perhaps.
Wish me luck for the uni life, hope i wouldn't become some weird freak or meet some weird freak.
27/9/2016 Tue
凌晨 0353

過去。現在。未來

過去似乎很遙遠，現在似乎不夠真實，未來是否太接近。
也不知道最近自己的生活究竟是怎樣，就只是拼命的在做工賺錢，似乎初衷已不在。
那個地方，找不到屬於自己的位置，一個落腳地。
處於在一群認識的人之中，卻感到迷茫，慌亂，無助。
這也許就是孤單的感覺，就是身邊有一萬個認識的人，仍然沒有安全感。
甚至在那一瞬間完全迷失了自己，幾乎想自甘墮落。
有些時候我會想，遇見他以及不遇見他，我會選擇哪一個。
可是到頭來，這些飄渺無虛的東西根本不重要。
生活塌了一瞬間，但是現在已經回到原本的模樣。
但也許若干年後，有一天我會想起他，還有那些令我迷茫的時光，還有帶我走出那段日子的人。
公司，同事。
我從很久很久很久以前就知道，朋友跟同事是不一樣的。
就如公事與私事是不一樣的。
所以也許就因為這樣，我不曾真正付出真心，結果自己被自己隔離了。
自己隔離了他們，然後自己覺得委屈。
我覺得人類真的很矛盾。
但是慢慢久而久之，我也是有感情的，也許現在算好點了吧。
介意與不介意其實沒什麼，只是事到如今也要明白什麼是捍衛自己，該如何捍衛自己了。
活著其實不容易，我知道世界上有很多很多很多人比我辛苦，比我不如意，比我慘。
只是我覺得有些時候情緒管理真的不能看一個人有多慘來決定的，一個一億富翁也許也是會擁有憂鬱症。
我的情緒真的有時候很起伏不定，當然不至於嚴重到自殘什麼的，那些對我來說太痛了..............
所以我還在學習，讓自己活得快樂點，至少情緒上不會那麼辛苦。
I love everyone who loves me.
我曾經很缺愛，就很缺愛咯想Paktoh lor誰叫我的荷爾蒙發作哈哈哈，但是現在對我來講這些其實真的nothing, it feels like nothing to me.
就現在完全沒有什麼感覺了，我覺得很像真的可以出家做尼姑了 how................
嗯就這樣廢話完了。
祝這個月 hit 到 sales 有 commission please 我需要3000塊 TT
話說我已經從台灣一個人的背包旅行回來啦，猜猜我的下一站是哪裡嘿嘿。

14/5/2016 Sat
凌晨 0447

Crumpled up shits.

I just don't know what the hell am I doing now.
Trials tomorrow and I have two most difficult paper among all and what am I doing now?!
Everybody's working so hard for their future & what the hell am I doing now.
What happened to me?
Why the hell am I not studying?
I have got no idea why did I changed this much even though it's just one year after I've graduated.
Hello the past me can you come back to me now? Like literally now cause I don't have much time left.
I used to be so damn hardcore during exam period but here I am blogging now.
Ugh.
Sometimes I just don't understand why people can put the freaking blame on you when it's not even your responsibilities.
Like hello, I helped you because I'm kind enough to help you.
I've got so much to do and why do you expect me to do this and that for you? It's your own freaking responsibility so please DO NOT FREAKING SHOUT AT MY FACE cause you just shouldn't.
Stop taking me for granted and expecting me to do more okay.
Being kind doesn't mean that you should take advantage of me.
Buh bye.
And stop asking me to shut up, it's rude. I have feelings too.

10/9/2015 Thu
傍晚 1840

Struggles

Haven't been blogging for quite some time and I'm back yay.
FINALLY I'm done with all the economic society shits yo.
Even tho my last event was just right before my trials but it's alright.
So for the last event we sold breads, fried beehoon and nasi lemak to those Foundation and a levels new intake students.
Sadly we didn't manage to sell off everything and we even made losses.
So we distributed all those food but why just why people don't wanna take free food?!
IT'S FREE man.
Lol anyway yeah we distributed all the food.
On that particular day there's this guy who helped out even tho he's not from economic society.
Feeling really thankful and wanna express my gratitude towards him so much.
Okay so that day he fetched me back and the other day he fetched my friend and I to lrt station.
I admit that I'm interested in him at the beginning but soon I realised that our personalities just don't suit each other.
But somehow I just don't know how to make it clear to him without being too frank.
So probably I should just go with the flow eh.
Back to the topic, so I gave a speech on that day to those new students.
Not really speech but just talked for few minutes on stage.
There are around 900+ person in the hall and I'm so darn freaking nervous but still I succeed in giving my speech.
Although my voice is too soft but nevermind at least I didn't shiver on stage or forget my speech.
That's it for the last event of economic society. However there's still AGM before I officially get the burden off my shoulder.

Anyway I'm having my AS now, not AS trials..........it's too fast that I can't even.
Two papers I had was quite okay, at least I'm sure that I won't fail for those LOL.
Still have few more papers to go, wish me luck & pray for me please. 😢

Actually what I wanna talk about is not whatever I mentioned above.
Lately I've been struggling alot trying to figure out what life is and what's the purpose of living.
I'm so lost that I just don't know what to do with my life.
People might thought that I'm so darn freaking depressed if I posted thoughts like this on insta or fb.
I'm not depressed, I'm lost.
It's probably what everyone would go through in their life for at least once.
But probably they'll just let it pass without figuring out the answer for those questions.
Up until now, all I could think of is to repay what your parents gave you.
But I just don't know man, sometimes I wish I'm not bornt so I wouldn't have this struggle.
My gp lecturers taught us about a topic related to suicide, it says that a person would show signs to the people surrounding them before they suicide, it's a cry for help.
As for people who are determined to die, they wouldn't do it as they're determined to die lol.
Well I did thought of the ways to suicide before, but just the ways lol I never thought of suiciding okay chill.
It's just that seeing so many people suffering in their life yet they still try their best to live, so why should I suicide when I don't even suffer as much as them.
But I still can't get the point of living though.
It's like everyone wanna be successful, but hello what's the point of being successful? As long as you have sufficient money to live, and you're with your family then it's good enough.
No matter how much money you earned, you can't bring it into your coffin anyway.
What's the point of earning so much money then?
So yea idk what's the point of having a levels exam when all I do is memorise and oh to score well in exam. Why should people be upset till they have to suicide because of their results? I just don't understand.
You just failed in your exams not your life.
Getting a degree and get a job and earn money.
It's just like a cycle urh I'm so sick and tired of it.
Why can't we just enjoy life instead of doing things that we don't wanna do.
Thought of travelling alone next year after my A levels exams end but parents don't let sigh.
Still trying hard to convince them tho.
Travelling definitely needs money sigh so I'm gonna work during my Sem breaks 😥
Reality is still reality, everything needs money yo.
That's it for today, wish me luck for my next paper on Wednesday 😭

9/5/2015 Sat
下午 1659

Troubles for myself.

Since the day I was bornt, no I think it's supposed to be since the day I went to schools, I've started causing troubles for myself.
Probably not in kindergarten cause I think I'm too young to think about all those shits when I was in kindergarten.
Starting from the day I went primary school, I've always thought about my future.
Probably around std 4, 5, 6 where I have my own way of thinking.
Books always giving us information telling us that we should get a post in club or societies, teachers always educate us about how getting extra posts will increase your chances of getting scholarships and stuff.
We're mostly being educated saying that we should join clubs & societies, if you could, just get a post.
If you can't, you still can communicate with people by getting into clubs and societies.
I was a librarian around std 4, 5, 6 (not really sure about which year I've became a librarian since it's not a permanent job).
I was a class rep when I was in std 6.
Secondary school was kinda...I don't really know how to describe.
I forced myself ok probably not literally forcing it but yeah I wasn't happy.
I became a permanent librarian when I was in form 1.
I went through the interviews which made me kinda suffered cause I came from a Chinese primary school and the interview was done in English.
But ofcourse it's an experience to me.
I went through tests, training and stuff and I became a librarian.
It's actually a good thing that I became a librarian. I improved my English, at least I get the chance to speak English.
Later, I joined Chinese debate team.
To be honest I joined just to improve my skill in speaking to public, I wasn't interested in debate until lately.
Probably I was just a little bit interested in it.
Then I joined xueji. This made me learnt a lot of stuff.
Of course, besides than theoretical & practical stuff, I learnt about how to deal with people, how to speak to the public and feeling for being left out.
I've always had this feeling of being left out there, i just don't know why.
It's like no matter how hard I tried, I still can feel there's a gap between us.
Maybe I'm bornt to be an introvert person, or A social person.
I just kind of hate socialising lol, but I still had to do it.
Cause that's what you will do, for the future.
No matter what job you'll be working on, you'll still have to communicate with people.
You still need to have network in order to succeed. And ofcourse you must have potential orelse nobody would care about you.
Social networking is important.

I'm struggling with all this club shits lately.
I just can't deal with people.
Probably I'm just like what they said, I'm living in my own world for too long.
What I wanna say is, if I'm living in my own world, trust me I won't bother to care about what you said.
Or maybe I would just burst out and scold the shit out of everyone LOL.
I just wanna say that all those basic shits if you seriously can't do it, I'm really speechless.
I can't do anything about it though.
So darn freaking fed up with all these people. 😁
It's alright. I'm gonna be alright.
First, you should be decisive.
Second, you should know that there's not much time left, shouldn't you just erm try to solve this out or pass it to me?
Third, you shouldn't be rushing to do those stuffs when those basic thing like time are not decided.
Forth, we can be friends but partners are a bit difficult.
Fifth, I will try my best to cope with you, hope you will do so too.
That's all.
One more thing. I really hate those irresponsible person which doesn't attend meeting.
Please, since you're committee just put some effort in it can you? CAN YOU.
Not referring to all the committee, only those who doesn't put effort in it.
Tbh, if you don't wanna work don't wanna help out don't wanna come for meeting might as well don't become committee.
Really really disappointed.
Why do I have to face these people everywhere.
If you choose to go paktoh over coming for meeting, please try to think if I do this what would you feel.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe, try to understand how I feel for you to treat me like this.
Sigh all I can say is..........all shits.

Alright gotta stop complaining.

24/11/2014 Mon
晚上 2343

Disappointments.

As I said, life is full of disappointments.
The only way I could probably avoid disappointments is by stop expecting things from others.
Don't expect them to trust you.
Just don't expect too much from others.
They don't owe you anything, you know.
Because they have their own life, and you have yours too.
Sometimes no matter how hard you tried it still stays the same, so we might as well stop trying.
And stop expecting.
The more you expect, the bigger the disappointments you would get.
Really disappointed with my results though. But I can't blame anyone because it's my fault.
I never work hard for it.

Life is getting back to its normal routine.
I hope that I could study hard, work really really hard for my AS.
I know my family won't have that much money to support me to overseas, thus I had to work hard.
At the same time, I don't really wanna go overseas cause I might not be able to live well on my own.
I'm too dependant on my family.
Some people might say that I'm kinda independent, but tbh I'm not.
I don't really know how am I gonna survive living in overseas by myself.
So much thoughts and yet I'm still feeling lost for my future.
I've no idea what should I further study in the future.
Sigh.

Day by day I'm growing up, facing dramas, reality which made me suffocate much.
But I don't really have a choice.
That's what everyone had to face in their life.
It's all what you had to do, what's meant to be.
I've got no time to deal with those love story and stuff.
People should stop flirting like for seriously because it kinda annoyed me.
Sorry for being mean but yeahhhhhh ok probably it's just for that particular guy which erm flirts with everyone.
Urgh so childish. I don't wanna be mean but it's a fact.

That's all for today.
I don't even know what I wrote cause it's all messed up.

20/10/2014 Mon
傍晚 1957