過去。現在。未來

過去似乎很遙遠，現在似乎不夠真實，未來是否太接近。
也不知道最近自己的生活究竟是怎樣，就只是拼命的在做工賺錢，似乎初衷已不在。
那個地方，找不到屬於自己的位置，一個落腳地。
處於在一群認識的人之中，卻感到迷茫，慌亂，無助。
這也許就是孤單的感覺，就是身邊有一萬個認識的人，仍然沒有安全感。
甚至在那一瞬間完全迷失了自己，幾乎想自甘墮落。
有些時候我會想，遇見他以及不遇見他，我會選擇哪一個。
可是到頭來，這些飄渺無虛的東西根本不重要。
生活塌了一瞬間，但是現在已經回到原本的模樣。
但也許若干年後，有一天我會想起他，還有那些令我迷茫的時光，還有帶我走出那段日子的人。
公司，同事。
我從很久很久很久以前就知道，朋友跟同事是不一樣的。
就如公事與私事是不一樣的。
所以也許就因為這樣，我不曾真正付出真心，結果自己被自己隔離了。
自己隔離了他們，然後自己覺得委屈。
我覺得人類真的很矛盾。
但是慢慢久而久之，我也是有感情的，也許現在算好點了吧。
介意與不介意其實沒什麼，只是事到如今也要明白什麼是捍衛自己，該如何捍衛自己了。
活著其實不容易，我知道世界上有很多很多很多人比我辛苦，比我不如意，比我慘。
只是我覺得有些時候情緒管理真的不能看一個人有多慘來決定的，一個一億富翁也許也是會擁有憂鬱症。
我的情緒真的有時候很起伏不定，當然不至於嚴重到自殘什麼的，那些對我來說太痛了..............
所以我還在學習，讓自己活得快樂點，至少情緒上不會那麼辛苦。
I love everyone who loves me.
我曾經很缺愛，就很缺愛咯想Paktoh lor誰叫我的荷爾蒙發作哈哈哈，但是現在對我來講這些其實真的nothing, it feels like nothing to me.
就現在完全沒有什麼感覺了，我覺得很像真的可以出家做尼姑了 how................
嗯就這樣廢話完了。
祝這個月 hit 到 sales 有 commission please 我需要3000塊 TT
話說我已經從台灣一個人的背包旅行回來啦，猜猜我的下一站是哪裡嘿嘿。

14/5/2016 Sat
凌晨 0447

Crumpled up shits.

I just don't know what the hell am I doing now.
Trials tomorrow and I have two most difficult paper among all and what am I doing now?!
Everybody's working so hard for their future & what the hell am I doing now.
What happened to me?
Why the hell am I not studying?
I have got no idea why did I changed this much even though it's just one year after I've graduated.
Hello the past me can you come back to me now? Like literally now cause I don't have much time left.
I used to be so damn hardcore during exam period but here I am blogging now.
Ugh.
Sometimes I just don't understand why people can put the freaking blame on you when it's not even your responsibilities.
Like hello, I helped you because I'm kind enough to help you.
I've got so much to do and why do you expect me to do this and that for you? It's your own freaking responsibility so please DO NOT FREAKING SHOUT AT MY FACE cause you just shouldn't.
Stop taking me for granted and expecting me to do more okay.
Being kind doesn't mean that you should take advantage of me.
Buh bye.
And stop asking me to shut up, it's rude. I have feelings too.

10/9/2015 Thu
傍晚 1840

Struggles

Haven't been blogging for quite some time and I'm back yay.
FINALLY I'm done with all the economic society shits yo.
Even tho my last event was just right before my trials but it's alright.
So for the last event we sold breads, fried beehoon and nasi lemak to those Foundation and a levels new intake students.
Sadly we didn't manage to sell off everything and we even made losses.
So we distributed all those food but why just why people don't wanna take free food?!
IT'S FREE man.
Lol anyway yeah we distributed all the food.
On that particular day there's this guy who helped out even tho he's not from economic society.
Feeling really thankful and wanna express my gratitude towards him so much.
Okay so that day he fetched me back and the other day he fetched my friend and I to lrt station.
I admit that I'm interested in him at the beginning but soon I realised that our personalities just don't suit each other.
But somehow I just don't know how to make it clear to him without being too frank.
So probably I should just go with the flow eh.
Back to the topic, so I gave a speech on that day to those new students.
Not really speech but just talked for few minutes on stage.
There are around 900+ person in the hall and I'm so darn freaking nervous but still I succeed in giving my speech.
Although my voice is too soft but nevermind at least I didn't shiver on stage or forget my speech.
That's it for the last event of economic society. However there's still AGM before I officially get the burden off my shoulder.

Anyway I'm having my AS now, not AS trials..........it's too fast that I can't even.
Two papers I had was quite okay, at least I'm sure that I won't fail for those LOL.
Still have few more papers to go, wish me luck & pray for me please. 😢

Actually what I wanna talk about is not whatever I mentioned above.
Lately I've been struggling alot trying to figure out what life is and what's the purpose of living.
I'm so lost that I just don't know what to do with my life.
People might thought that I'm so darn freaking depressed if I posted thoughts like this on insta or fb.
I'm not depressed, I'm lost.
It's probably what everyone would go through in their life for at least once.
But probably they'll just let it pass without figuring out the answer for those questions.
Up until now, all I could think of is to repay what your parents gave you.
But I just don't know man, sometimes I wish I'm not bornt so I wouldn't have this struggle.
My gp lecturers taught us about a topic related to suicide, it says that a person would show signs to the people surrounding them before they suicide, it's a cry for help.
As for people who are determined to die, they wouldn't do it as they're determined to die lol.
Well I did thought of the ways to suicide before, but just the ways lol I never thought of suiciding okay chill.
It's just that seeing so many people suffering in their life yet they still try their best to live, so why should I suicide when I don't even suffer as much as them.
But I still can't get the point of living though.
It's like everyone wanna be successful, but hello what's the point of being successful? As long as you have sufficient money to live, and you're with your family then it's good enough.
No matter how much money you earned, you can't bring it into your coffin anyway.
What's the point of earning so much money then?
So yea idk what's the point of having a levels exam when all I do is memorise and oh to score well in exam. Why should people be upset till they have to suicide because of their results? I just don't understand.
You just failed in your exams not your life.
Getting a degree and get a job and earn money.
It's just like a cycle urh I'm so sick and tired of it.
Why can't we just enjoy life instead of doing things that we don't wanna do.
Thought of travelling alone next year after my A levels exams end but parents don't let sigh.
Still trying hard to convince them tho.
Travelling definitely needs money sigh so I'm gonna work during my Sem breaks 😥
Reality is still reality, everything needs money yo.
That's it for today, wish me luck for my next paper on Wednesday 😭

9/5/2015 Sat
下午 1659

Troubles for myself.

Since the day I was bornt, no I think it's supposed to be since the day I went to schools, I've started causing troubles for myself.
Probably not in kindergarten cause I think I'm too young to think about all those shits when I was in kindergarten.
Starting from the day I went primary school, I've always thought about my future.
Probably around std 4, 5, 6 where I have my own way of thinking.
Books always giving us information telling us that we should get a post in club or societies, teachers always educate us about how getting extra posts will increase your chances of getting scholarships and stuff.
We're mostly being educated saying that we should join clubs & societies, if you could, just get a post.
If you can't, you still can communicate with people by getting into clubs and societies.
I was a librarian around std 4, 5, 6 (not really sure about which year I've became a librarian since it's not a permanent job).
I was a class rep when I was in std 6.
Secondary school was kinda...I don't really know how to describe.
I forced myself ok probably not literally forcing it but yeah I wasn't happy.
I became a permanent librarian when I was in form 1.
I went through the interviews which made me kinda suffered cause I came from a Chinese primary school and the interview was done in English.
But ofcourse it's an experience to me.
I went through tests, training and stuff and I became a librarian.
It's actually a good thing that I became a librarian. I improved my English, at least I get the chance to speak English.
Later, I joined Chinese debate team.
To be honest I joined just to improve my skill in speaking to public, I wasn't interested in debate until lately.
Probably I was just a little bit interested in it.
Then I joined xueji. This made me learnt a lot of stuff.
Of course, besides than theoretical & practical stuff, I learnt about how to deal with people, how to speak to the public and feeling for being left out.
I've always had this feeling of being left out there, i just don't know why.
It's like no matter how hard I tried, I still can feel there's a gap between us.
Maybe I'm bornt to be an introvert person, or A social person.
I just kind of hate socialising lol, but I still had to do it.
Cause that's what you will do, for the future.
No matter what job you'll be working on, you'll still have to communicate with people.
You still need to have network in order to succeed. And ofcourse you must have potential orelse nobody would care about you.
Social networking is important.

I'm struggling with all this club shits lately.
I just can't deal with people.
Probably I'm just like what they said, I'm living in my own world for too long.
What I wanna say is, if I'm living in my own world, trust me I won't bother to care about what you said.
Or maybe I would just burst out and scold the shit out of everyone LOL.
I just wanna say that all those basic shits if you seriously can't do it, I'm really speechless.
I can't do anything about it though.
So darn freaking fed up with all these people. 😁
It's alright. I'm gonna be alright.
First, you should be decisive.
Second, you should know that there's not much time left, shouldn't you just erm try to solve this out or pass it to me?
Third, you shouldn't be rushing to do those stuffs when those basic thing like time are not decided.
Forth, we can be friends but partners are a bit difficult.
Fifth, I will try my best to cope with you, hope you will do so too.
That's all.
One more thing. I really hate those irresponsible person which doesn't attend meeting.
Please, since you're committee just put some effort in it can you? CAN YOU.
Not referring to all the committee, only those who doesn't put effort in it.
Tbh, if you don't wanna work don't wanna help out don't wanna come for meeting might as well don't become committee.
Really really disappointed.
Why do I have to face these people everywhere.
If you choose to go paktoh over coming for meeting, please try to think if I do this what would you feel.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe, try to understand how I feel for you to treat me like this.
Sigh all I can say is..........all shits.

Alright gotta stop complaining.

24/11/2014 Mon
晚上 2343

Disappointments.

As I said, life is full of disappointments.
The only way I could probably avoid disappointments is by stop expecting things from others.
Don't expect them to trust you.
Just don't expect too much from others.
They don't owe you anything, you know.
Because they have their own life, and you have yours too.
Sometimes no matter how hard you tried it still stays the same, so we might as well stop trying.
And stop expecting.
The more you expect, the bigger the disappointments you would get.
Really disappointed with my results though. But I can't blame anyone because it's my fault.
I never work hard for it.

Life is getting back to its normal routine.
I hope that I could study hard, work really really hard for my AS.
I know my family won't have that much money to support me to overseas, thus I had to work hard.
At the same time, I don't really wanna go overseas cause I might not be able to live well on my own.
I'm too dependant on my family.
Some people might say that I'm kinda independent, but tbh I'm not.
I don't really know how am I gonna survive living in overseas by myself.
So much thoughts and yet I'm still feeling lost for my future.
I've no idea what should I further study in the future.
Sigh.

Day by day I'm growing up, facing dramas, reality which made me suffocate much.
But I don't really have a choice.
That's what everyone had to face in their life.
It's all what you had to do, what's meant to be.
I've got no time to deal with those love story and stuff.
People should stop flirting like for seriously because it kinda annoyed me.
Sorry for being mean but yeahhhhhh ok probably it's just for that particular guy which erm flirts with everyone.
Urgh so childish. I don't wanna be mean but it's a fact.

That's all for today.
I don't even know what I wrote cause it's all messed up.

20/10/2014 Mon
傍晚 1957

Dramas. It's life.

I've listened & seen so much dramas lately.
I can't even. I don't know how to react.
It's just...unbelievable, even if it's happening right in front of your eyes, your surrounding.
Life is just like drama, or maybe drama is made by what's happening in life.
This few months, or probably this year I've learnt so much.
I'm too naive in the past, way too naive to know about how cruel this world is.
Or maybe till now, I still don't exactly specifically know how cruel this world is.
I don't wanna know. But I know someday I will have to know and face it.
Because this is life.
So many things happened this year. On myself, on other people.
I can't say that I'm really matured but yeah, I've grown up.
Today has been the toughest day ever for me.
Probably not really a big deal, but it shocked me so much.
I didn't know. Or probably I knew but I tried to run away from it.
I'm sorry. I'll try my best to be a good daughter.
I can't promise, cause I don't know if I can do it or not.
I'll try.

Been so busy lately.
A levels is so difficult, or maybe it's just me.
Whatever I said last time hah, it didn't work out.
Sigh. I really hope I could score well for next sem.
To be honest, I don't really bother to study for this sem/last sem cause to me it's not important.
What's important is just trials and actual A level.
I'll work harder for next sem.
Good luck to myself. I hope I won't go crazy because of stress.
Sometimes I can't understand when my parents ask me to study when it's just the beginning of the holiday.
What I wanna do is just chill for a little and release my stress for abit. Why can't I do it?
It's alright.

Nights. Going to Thailand tmr, it's a night flight.
Hope I would have a safe journey & have fun.
11/9/2014 Thu
Midnight 0232

Am freaking pissed off.

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