Struggles

Haven't been blogging for quite some time and I'm back yay.
FINALLY I'm done with all the economic society shits yo.
Even tho my last event was just right before my trials but it's alright.
So for the last event we sold breads, fried beehoon and nasi lemak to those Foundation and a levels new intake students.
Sadly we didn't manage to sell off everything and we even made losses.
So we distributed all those food but why just why people don't wanna take free food?!
IT'S FREE man.
Lol anyway yeah we distributed all the food.
On that particular day there's this guy who helped out even tho he's not from economic society.
Feeling really thankful and wanna express my gratitude towards him so much.
Okay so that day he fetched me back and the other day he fetched my friend and I to lrt station.
I admit that I'm interested in him at the beginning but soon I realised that our personalities just don't suit each other.
But somehow I just don't know how to make it clear to him without being too frank.
So probably I should just go with the flow eh.
Back to the topic, so I gave a speech on that day to those new students.
Not really speech but just talked for few minutes on stage.
There are around 900+ person in the hall and I'm so darn freaking nervous but still I succeed in giving my speech.
Although my voice is too soft but nevermind at least I didn't shiver on stage or forget my speech.
That's it for the last event of economic society. However there's still AGM before I officially get the burden off my shoulder.

Anyway I'm having my AS now, not AS trials..........it's too fast that I can't even.
Two papers I had was quite okay, at least I'm sure that I won't fail for those LOL.
Still have few more papers to go, wish me luck & pray for me please. 😢

Actually what I wanna talk about is not whatever I mentioned above.
Lately I've been struggling alot trying to figure out what life is and what's the purpose of living.
I'm so lost that I just don't know what to do with my life.
People might thought that I'm so darn freaking depressed if I posted thoughts like this on insta or fb.
I'm not depressed, I'm lost.
It's probably what everyone would go through in their life for at least once.
But probably they'll just let it pass without figuring out the answer for those questions.
Up until now, all I could think of is to repay what your parents gave you.
But I just don't know man, sometimes I wish I'm not bornt so I wouldn't have this struggle.
My gp lecturers taught us about a topic related to suicide, it says that a person would show signs to the people surrounding them before they suicide, it's a cry for help.
As for people who are determined to die, they wouldn't do it as they're determined to die lol.
Well I did thought of the ways to suicide before, but just the ways lol I never thought of suiciding okay chill.
It's just that seeing so many people suffering in their life yet they still try their best to live, so why should I suicide when I don't even suffer as much as them.
But I still can't get the point of living though.
It's like everyone wanna be successful, but hello what's the point of being successful? As long as you have sufficient money to live, and you're with your family then it's good enough.
No matter how much money you earned, you can't bring it into your coffin anyway.
What's the point of earning so much money then?
So yea idk what's the point of having a levels exam when all I do is memorise and oh to score well in exam. Why should people be upset till they have to suicide because of their results? I just don't understand.
You just failed in your exams not your life.
Getting a degree and get a job and earn money.
It's just like a cycle urh I'm so sick and tired of it.
Why can't we just enjoy life instead of doing things that we don't wanna do.
Thought of travelling alone next year after my A levels exams end but parents don't let sigh.
Still trying hard to convince them tho.
Travelling definitely needs money sigh so I'm gonna work during my Sem breaks 😥
Reality is still reality, everything needs money yo.
That's it for today, wish me luck for my next paper on Wednesday 😭

9/5/2015 Sat
下午 1659

Troubles for myself.

Since the day I was bornt, no I think it's supposed to be since the day I went to schools, I've started causing troubles for myself.
Probably not in kindergarten cause I think I'm too young to think about all those shits when I was in kindergarten.
Starting from the day I went primary school, I've always thought about my future.
Probably around std 4, 5, 6 where I have my own way of thinking.
Books always giving us information telling us that we should get a post in club or societies, teachers always educate us about how getting extra posts will increase your chances of getting scholarships and stuff.
We're mostly being educated saying that we should join clubs & societies, if you could, just get a post.
If you can't, you still can communicate with people by getting into clubs and societies.
I was a librarian around std 4, 5, 6 (not really sure about which year I've became a librarian since it's not a permanent job).
I was a class rep when I was in std 6.
Secondary school was kinda...I don't really know how to describe.
I forced myself ok probably not literally forcing it but yeah I wasn't happy.
I became a permanent librarian when I was in form 1.
I went through the interviews which made me kinda suffered cause I came from a Chinese primary school and the interview was done in English.
But ofcourse it's an experience to me.
I went through tests, training and stuff and I became a librarian.
It's actually a good thing that I became a librarian. I improved my English, at least I get the chance to speak English.
Later, I joined Chinese debate team.
To be honest I joined just to improve my skill in speaking to public, I wasn't interested in debate until lately.
Probably I was just a little bit interested in it.
Then I joined xueji. This made me learnt a lot of stuff.
Of course, besides than theoretical & practical stuff, I learnt about how to deal with people, how to speak to the public and feeling for being left out.
I've always had this feeling of being left out there, i just don't know why.
It's like no matter how hard I tried, I still can feel there's a gap between us.
Maybe I'm bornt to be an introvert person, or A social person.
I just kind of hate socialising lol, but I still had to do it.
Cause that's what you will do, for the future.
No matter what job you'll be working on, you'll still have to communicate with people.
You still need to have network in order to succeed. And ofcourse you must have potential orelse nobody would care about you.
Social networking is important.

I'm struggling with all this club shits lately.
I just can't deal with people.
Probably I'm just like what they said, I'm living in my own world for too long.
What I wanna say is, if I'm living in my own world, trust me I won't bother to care about what you said.
Or maybe I would just burst out and scold the shit out of everyone LOL.
I just wanna say that all those basic shits if you seriously can't do it, I'm really speechless.
I can't do anything about it though.
So darn freaking fed up with all these people. 😁
It's alright. I'm gonna be alright.
First, you should be decisive.
Second, you should know that there's not much time left, shouldn't you just erm try to solve this out or pass it to me?
Third, you shouldn't be rushing to do those stuffs when those basic thing like time are not decided.
Forth, we can be friends but partners are a bit difficult.
Fifth, I will try my best to cope with you, hope you will do so too.
That's all.
One more thing. I really hate those irresponsible person which doesn't attend meeting.
Please, since you're committee just put some effort in it can you? CAN YOU.
Not referring to all the committee, only those who doesn't put effort in it.
Tbh, if you don't wanna work don't wanna help out don't wanna come for meeting might as well don't become committee.
Really really disappointed.
Why do I have to face these people everywhere.
If you choose to go paktoh over coming for meeting, please try to think if I do this what would you feel.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe, try to understand how I feel for you to treat me like this.
Sigh all I can say is..........all shits.

Alright gotta stop complaining.

24/11/2014 Mon
晚上 2343

Disappointments.

As I said, life is full of disappointments.
The only way I could probably avoid disappointments is by stop expecting things from others.
Don't expect them to trust you.
Just don't expect too much from others.
They don't owe you anything, you know.
Because they have their own life, and you have yours too.
Sometimes no matter how hard you tried it still stays the same, so we might as well stop trying.
And stop expecting.
The more you expect, the bigger the disappointments you would get.
Really disappointed with my results though. But I can't blame anyone because it's my fault.
I never work hard for it.

Life is getting back to its normal routine.
I hope that I could study hard, work really really hard for my AS.
I know my family won't have that much money to support me to overseas, thus I had to work hard.
At the same time, I don't really wanna go overseas cause I might not be able to live well on my own.
I'm too dependant on my family.
Some people might say that I'm kinda independent, but tbh I'm not.
I don't really know how am I gonna survive living in overseas by myself.
So much thoughts and yet I'm still feeling lost for my future.
I've no idea what should I further study in the future.
Sigh.

Day by day I'm growing up, facing dramas, reality which made me suffocate much.
But I don't really have a choice.
That's what everyone had to face in their life.
It's all what you had to do, what's meant to be.
I've got no time to deal with those love story and stuff.
People should stop flirting like for seriously because it kinda annoyed me.
Sorry for being mean but yeahhhhhh ok probably it's just for that particular guy which erm flirts with everyone.
Urgh so childish. I don't wanna be mean but it's a fact.

That's all for today.
I don't even know what I wrote cause it's all messed up.

20/10/2014 Mon
傍晚 1957

Dramas. It's life.

I've listened & seen so much dramas lately.
I can't even. I don't know how to react.
It's just...unbelievable, even if it's happening right in front of your eyes, your surrounding.
Life is just like drama, or maybe drama is made by what's happening in life.
This few months, or probably this year I've learnt so much.
I'm too naive in the past, way too naive to know about how cruel this world is.
Or maybe till now, I still don't exactly specifically know how cruel this world is.
I don't wanna know. But I know someday I will have to know and face it.
Because this is life.
So many things happened this year. On myself, on other people.
I can't say that I'm really matured but yeah, I've grown up.
Today has been the toughest day ever for me.
Probably not really a big deal, but it shocked me so much.
I didn't know. Or probably I knew but I tried to run away from it.
I'm sorry. I'll try my best to be a good daughter.
I can't promise, cause I don't know if I can do it or not.
I'll try.

Been so busy lately.
A levels is so difficult, or maybe it's just me.
Whatever I said last time hah, it didn't work out.
Sigh. I really hope I could score well for next sem.
To be honest, I don't really bother to study for this sem/last sem cause to me it's not important.
What's important is just trials and actual A level.
I'll work harder for next sem.
Good luck to myself. I hope I won't go crazy because of stress.
Sometimes I can't understand when my parents ask me to study when it's just the beginning of the holiday.
What I wanna do is just chill for a little and release my stress for abit. Why can't I do it?
It's alright.

Nights. Going to Thailand tmr, it's a night flight.
Hope I would have a safe journey & have fun.
11/9/2014 Thu
Midnight 0232

Am freaking pissed off.

This is encrypted: ***

Everything is new.

So much to do, yet not much time left.
Wasted a lot of time doing nothing for past few weeks/months and I'm regretting it now.
Sigh college gonna start in a week, or probably two weeks time.
Gotta pack my stuff and bring it to hostel on 28th April, or latest by that weekend.
Since I'm moving to a new house I had to pack all my stuff too.
I've already stayed in this house for 17 years!
And now I had to move to a new house :(
Kinda 不舍得 cause I really love my house it's comfy and nice and everything is awesome yoooo.
But too bad the bad bad bad 屋主 forced us to move out since they wanna renovate it.
So yeah daddy mommy bought a new house and we gotta move into that house latest by this month.
Because the 屋主 gonna kick us out if we don't, HAH.
But seriously my room in the new house is superbly small I can't even have a proper table in my room.
Don't even have space to walk.
Serious shit.
My sis and brother they had a bigger room. Whyyyyyyy
Oh nooooo there's so much to pack how am I supposed to pack it within a week T_T
And the famine 30 thingy I started to have stuff to do ohno.
Oh yeah I think I didn't mention it before that I got the assistant secretary post.
Yeah I got it. Though a little disappointed that I didn't get the secretary post, but I'm still grateful that I got chosen for assistant sec. :)
Get a new partner and as always, gotta tolerate with people.
Luckily the partner had experience because she was the secretary for another famine 30 camp last year.
Yayz, imma lucky kid hohoho

I gotta mention something really unlucky that happened to me!
Some random bee came and stung me in MY ROOM.
It hurts so much and I was so shocked and afraid so I burst into tears right after I called my daddy.
Oops sorry might sounds abit kiddy but yeah I'm frigging afraid of insects.
And I was scared that the bee is poisonous or smth.
Hahaha. But yeah I'm still alive so it doesn't have poison I guess.
It was pretty scary though.
Luckily I survived! Yay but it's kinda embarrassing because after so many years it was somehow my first time crying infront of my parents. Or family.
Hahahaha.

I tried to read the A levels syllabus but oh well I couldn't understand a single shit yay.
My English was too weak to understand those shit...........
What to do sigh. Otoke? :(
Oops too much Korean dramas hahah.
And I think I had to get the A levels text books by myself LOL.
But seriously idk where or who would sell it sigh.
Someone sell it to me please?
But I heard that the text books are kinda expensive, around 100++ for one.
Ahhhhhhh so much problems.
I think I should get a new specs already my eyesight are getting worse omg.
College gonna start but I'm not prepared for it.
I'm not prepared for anything.
I saw his photo, well I didn't expect to see it though.
Was a little relieved hahaha but it doesn't matters to me anymore.
Used to matter, but now no.

Nights, gotta sleep now. ♡

22/4/2014 Tue
凌晨 0122

A good start, probably.

On the day when we were getting our SPM results, I saw her.
Well of course she's with her friend.
The one that she decided to go with her.
Hmm actually it doesn't bothers me anymore.
This incident actually happened to me once, with the other person.
But until now, I'm still really close with that person. I'm glad that till now I still have her :)
I have actually doubted if I should give up on that friendship but luckily,  I didn't do it.
That's all about it. Not a big deal though.
So yeah she went off with her friend & and I went for my driving class.
Oh yeah I lost my phone.  Like literally lost it.
Dropped it and someone took it.
Because that person offed the phone zzz. Idiotic shit why the hell you steal my phone.
It's not even IPhone or any latest smart phone damn you man seriously.
So I went for driving lesson & before that the uncle only had to fetch me to school.
But he changed his mind because I lost my phone can't contact my parents to fetch me home from school. He waited for me while I take my spm results & fetched me back home at last :)
He's such a good uncle! Glad that I had such a good driving instructor :)
I GOT 9 As.  5A, 4A-,1B+.
Felt really grateful that I got 9 As.
I wouldn't say that my hard work pays off because I didn't actually worked hard.
Overstressed myself during spm and didn't really studied much.
But still I felt a little disappointed cause I got B+ for add maths.
And I didn't get any A+ sigh.
The worst thing is I can't get any scholarship using this results sighhh.
Can't lessen the burden for my family :(
I registered for A levels at TARC already.
I pledge that I would work hard and get good results.
No more slacking, no more playing around.  Time to be serious.
I should not will not procrastinate anymore.
Cause it's A levels so I can't get any loans nor scholarship sigh.
So yeah gotta work hard!
Shouldn't be bothered by small small matters anymore.
Or maybe shouldn't be in a relationship yet LOLOL hahah dk man.

Heh went ou the other day to work.
My job scope was to help people to print out photos & post it on Facebook if they're willing to.
This was a Nestlé roadshow.
Kinda big though. Met a brainless partner lol ok maybe not.
I was frustrated cause she talked bad about me, and her attitudes toward me.
She often talks to me in a rude way & I HATE IT.
I seriously hate it when people talk to me in a rude way.
Dude did you parents taught you to respect people? Can't you like speak in a polite way?
Hmm probably it's my fault because I always day dream while working lolol kay nvm.
Oh and the one I'm obsessed to is working in ou also HAHA.
So erm I actually asked him to have dinner/lunch with me and take photo at my photo booth.
GUESS WHAT?  HE CAME HEHEH and find me during his break.
So I decided to go for break with him so erm we went to eat dinner I think?  Cause it's around 5.
We talked a lot,  like literally a lot during the dinner haha.
Not very awkward though.  Lucky that it's not awkward haha I thought it'll be awkward :p
So yeah time passes really fast then we finished our dinner.
Idk what made me so brave,  but I told him hey we haven take photo yet.
It's around 6 already so I guess you have to go back already right?
He said no la i still have some time.
We went to take photo and he left after that hahah.
A good start, probably?

But too bad I started being not that obsessed with him already LOLOL.
Heh anyways still he started replying my message and not ignoring my msg anymore yay ^^

Bought few stuff yesterday and spent damn a lot of money.
A black jegging from padini which costs 60 bucks. Sienz cause I didn't have a proper and comfortable black pants.
Bought a bag for 55 bucks sigh used up over 100 already.
And a black shoe from voir luckily it costs only 23 heh.
Spending money like water zzz. Gotta control myself already.
Paid A levels first sem fees yesterday.
Spending money everywhere argh.