Fake.

I have no idea what i have been feeling for the past few months.
Happiness, frustrated, sad, or perhaps a feeling of being back stabbed.
It's really tiring.
I think I have lost my dignity while chasing after butterflies which i know i would never be able to catch.
Everyone around me who knows advice me once, twice even thrice that i should not, should never.
But i don't even know what i'm doing anymore.
I'm so ridiculous, whatever i'm doing now is absurd.
Why would i lose myself for nothing?
I need to find my old self which don't give a damn about anything.
IF AND ONLY IF.
BUT NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
I remembered at the beginning they asked that question, which indeed really happened and yep, I really did lost.
I know i just can't and should not hate, but i'm really frustrated.
I can't do this anymore.
Give me a break.

Wanna travel to somewhere again hehe.
Still looking into it either aus first to visit suet.
Or maybe singapore, a short one.
Perhaps Hong Kong would be possible too.
Gimme a lil bit more time and i will get over all these shitty things and people that happened in my life.
I wanted, really wanted to trust you.
But after all these, i just don't think i can trust anymore.
Too many fake faces, too many lies, too complicated to understand.

我的心还没有这么大，能够原谅。
我不是圣人，尤其你是我的朋友。
但是我不会，永远都不会再相信你。

21/1/2017 Sat
下午 1536

Summary of few months life

Yep am back from Japan backpacking trip.
Nothing much went through my mind before going there tho, i don't know why either.
It seemed like for this trip it differed much with my previous Taiwan trip. Can't really state out the exact difference but uhhuh it just felt different lol. Perhaps it's because i still haven fully mastered Japanese language yet, thus created a distance between me and the people there.
Sigh anyway i'm gonna start my uni really soon, I don't even know whether this is the right course to choose.
Spent so much recently..........................
I just can't bear to see my savings shrink so much omg. It shrunk anyway bye all my $$.
After Japan trip i bought a laptop for uni use, so yeah.
For Japan trip i have actually thought of opening up a new blog to write up about some of the details & perhaps guides but i'm so-so-so lazy to do it.
I had a dream the other night HAHAHA, a weird one.
In the dream i'm actually dating with an actor AHHAHAHAHA, and the actor is from the drama i watched recently.
Felt so real tho that i couldn't actually get over it after waking up lol.
I think i changed a lot throughout the year, which i don't really know it is for the best or not.
After a levels ended around last year nov, i started working in Dec to raise money for my Taiwan trip.
I ended my job few days before i went Taiwan, and prepared for the trip. But i was already preparing the trip while working in Dec, so mainly for the last few days before leaving for Taiwan i was just busy looking for some extra info.
Still, for Taiwan trip i did not actually prepared exact itinerary tho, even when i was there i still spent some time to research how to go here and there.
Just that for most of the days i have already booked hostels/couchsurf. Mmh, so i went Taiwan for about 16 days, came back around end of Jan, if i'm not mistaken it's around 22nd of Feb.
Then after rested a few days, i started looking for a job, since that i would actually have to wait for a few months before starting my degree course. So I found a job at TC, at first i applied for customer service, but there is no slot at the location i wanted, so they asked if i would be alright with the position of telemarketing, I accepted it and went for the interview.
It was kinda in a rush tho, if i'm not mistaken on the day i messaged that person, i went for the interview LOL.
And i have never really made a resume previously, so i just took some time to do some research online, made the resume kinda last minute, then went for the interview.
I didn't really prepare for the interview actually........but i saw online some people said that they will ask about your weakness, your positives sides, so in the train while going to the office i just try to figure something out.
In the end they did ask the question, so i just answered it, but i think i was a little bit nervous that time tho.
They also asked about stuff like, working here would be stressful as you need to do sales, how would you release stress stuffs like that.
I was interviewed twice, by two different leaders.
Of course, the second one who interviewed me became my leader hehe.
Previously i told them i will only be working there for three months tho, cause at first i thought my course would be starting in May.
Ended up i worked there for about half a year.
So yeah after the interview was done, the told me to wait for calls from them, they will let me know whether i'm employed or not.
I went for a walk at KLCC after the interview, and i received a call i think a few hours later, saying that i'm employed.
Can't really remember what I felt that time, but I think I didn't felt much HAHA just as per normal lolol.
Yea by then i started my second full time job.
In between i had a trip with my friend to Bangkok too, if i didn't went with her to Bangkok, i actually had plans of going to HK as my second solo trip tho.
But anyway i went Bangkok and had fun huhuhuhu.
Later, I found out that the air ticket to Japan was really cheap, so i bought it.
Sound so easy but i hesitated for quite some time also.
I worked really hard to save up all the money for my trips, no matter for Taiwan trip, Bangkok trip or Japan trip, for all of it i spent my own hard earned money.
So sometimes i would actually get a lil frustrated when people say that i spend my parents money or say that i'm rich.
Nope, sorry to disappoint you but no i do not spend my parents money for my trips and i'm not rich.
Previously during my Taiwan trip, i had a talk with a French girl, she also had people around her saying the same thing and disregarded all her hard work, she is kind of used to it already and said not to be bothered about it.
I guess i wouldn't be able to go for trip for quite some time, felt kinda sad T_T
For the 10 months working & travelling, i think i have lost contact with some of my close friends hahahah.
I was so busy that i didn't really put much effort to keep up with some of them............
My job ended on last day on Aug, then i had one day to pack up and some last minute preparation for my trip.
Flew over to Vietnam first, transited from there to Japan, so i had the most memorable, nope most unsecured day while sleeping in Vietnam airport.
Yes i slept in the airport, at some random window............................
Then i flew to Japan on the next morn, and came back to Vietnam for transit again.
Back home around mid of Sept, and rested for about 5 days i guess, and i started working AGAIN, for another part time job.
It is working hour tho, which is 9 to 5.
So early and i'm not a morning person T_T difficult life just to earn money sigh sigh.
The job ended few days ago, and now i'm preparing for my uni stuff, bank stuff, ptptn stuff and so much more to do.
Uni life will be starting in two weeks time tho, gotta do it faster.
Can't really say that i'm anticipating but not that i'm not looking forward for it but just, i left college for quite some time so yeahhhhhh nervous perhaps.
Wish me luck for the uni life, hope i wouldn't become some weird freak or meet some weird freak.
27/9/2016 Tue
凌晨 0353

過去。現在。未來

過去似乎很遙遠，現在似乎不夠真實，未來是否太接近。
也不知道最近自己的生活究竟是怎樣，就只是拼命的在做工賺錢，似乎初衷已不在。
那個地方，找不到屬於自己的位置，一個落腳地。
處於在一群認識的人之中，卻感到迷茫，慌亂，無助。
這也許就是孤單的感覺，就是身邊有一萬個認識的人，仍然沒有安全感。
甚至在那一瞬間完全迷失了自己，幾乎想自甘墮落。
有些時候我會想，遇見他以及不遇見他，我會選擇哪一個。
可是到頭來，這些飄渺無虛的東西根本不重要。
生活塌了一瞬間，但是現在已經回到原本的模樣。
但也許若干年後，有一天我會想起他，還有那些令我迷茫的時光，還有帶我走出那段日子的人。
公司，同事。
我從很久很久很久以前就知道，朋友跟同事是不一樣的。
就如公事與私事是不一樣的。
所以也許就因為這樣，我不曾真正付出真心，結果自己被自己隔離了。
自己隔離了他們，然後自己覺得委屈。
我覺得人類真的很矛盾。
但是慢慢久而久之，我也是有感情的，也許現在算好點了吧。
介意與不介意其實沒什麼，只是事到如今也要明白什麼是捍衛自己，該如何捍衛自己了。
活著其實不容易，我知道世界上有很多很多很多人比我辛苦，比我不如意，比我慘。
只是我覺得有些時候情緒管理真的不能看一個人有多慘來決定的，一個一億富翁也許也是會擁有憂鬱症。
我的情緒真的有時候很起伏不定，當然不至於嚴重到自殘什麼的，那些對我來說太痛了..............
所以我還在學習，讓自己活得快樂點，至少情緒上不會那麼辛苦。
I love everyone who loves me.
我曾經很缺愛，就很缺愛咯想Paktoh lor誰叫我的荷爾蒙發作哈哈哈，但是現在對我來講這些其實真的nothing, it feels like nothing to me.
就現在完全沒有什麼感覺了，我覺得很像真的可以出家做尼姑了 how................
嗯就這樣廢話完了。
祝這個月 hit 到 sales 有 commission please 我需要3000塊 TT
話說我已經從台灣一個人的背包旅行回來啦，猜猜我的下一站是哪裡嘿嘿。

14/5/2016 Sat
凌晨 0447

Crumpled up shits.

I just don't know what the hell am I doing now.
Trials tomorrow and I have two most difficult paper among all and what am I doing now?!
Everybody's working so hard for their future & what the hell am I doing now.
What happened to me?
Why the hell am I not studying?
I have got no idea why did I changed this much even though it's just one year after I've graduated.
Hello the past me can you come back to me now? Like literally now cause I don't have much time left.
I used to be so damn hardcore during exam period but here I am blogging now.
Ugh.
Sometimes I just don't understand why people can put the freaking blame on you when it's not even your responsibilities.
Like hello, I helped you because I'm kind enough to help you.
I've got so much to do and why do you expect me to do this and that for you? It's your own freaking responsibility so please DO NOT FREAKING SHOUT AT MY FACE cause you just shouldn't.
Stop taking me for granted and expecting me to do more okay.
Being kind doesn't mean that you should take advantage of me.
Buh bye.
And stop asking me to shut up, it's rude. I have feelings too.

10/9/2015 Thu
傍晚 1840

Struggles

Haven't been blogging for quite some time and I'm back yay.
FINALLY I'm done with all the economic society shits yo.
Even tho my last event was just right before my trials but it's alright.
So for the last event we sold breads, fried beehoon and nasi lemak to those Foundation and a levels new intake students.
Sadly we didn't manage to sell off everything and we even made losses.
So we distributed all those food but why just why people don't wanna take free food?!
IT'S FREE man.
Lol anyway yeah we distributed all the food.
On that particular day there's this guy who helped out even tho he's not from economic society.
Feeling really thankful and wanna express my gratitude towards him so much.
Okay so that day he fetched me back and the other day he fetched my friend and I to lrt station.
I admit that I'm interested in him at the beginning but soon I realised that our personalities just don't suit each other.
But somehow I just don't know how to make it clear to him without being too frank.
So probably I should just go with the flow eh.
Back to the topic, so I gave a speech on that day to those new students.
Not really speech but just talked for few minutes on stage.
There are around 900+ person in the hall and I'm so darn freaking nervous but still I succeed in giving my speech.
Although my voice is too soft but nevermind at least I didn't shiver on stage or forget my speech.
That's it for the last event of economic society. However there's still AGM before I officially get the burden off my shoulder.

Anyway I'm having my AS now, not AS trials..........it's too fast that I can't even.
Two papers I had was quite okay, at least I'm sure that I won't fail for those LOL.
Still have few more papers to go, wish me luck & pray for me please. 😢

Actually what I wanna talk about is not whatever I mentioned above.
Lately I've been struggling alot trying to figure out what life is and what's the purpose of living.
I'm so lost that I just don't know what to do with my life.
People might thought that I'm so darn freaking depressed if I posted thoughts like this on insta or fb.
I'm not depressed, I'm lost.
It's probably what everyone would go through in their life for at least once.
But probably they'll just let it pass without figuring out the answer for those questions.
Up until now, all I could think of is to repay what your parents gave you.
But I just don't know man, sometimes I wish I'm not bornt so I wouldn't have this struggle.
My gp lecturers taught us about a topic related to suicide, it says that a person would show signs to the people surrounding them before they suicide, it's a cry for help.
As for people who are determined to die, they wouldn't do it as they're determined to die lol.
Well I did thought of the ways to suicide before, but just the ways lol I never thought of suiciding okay chill.
It's just that seeing so many people suffering in their life yet they still try their best to live, so why should I suicide when I don't even suffer as much as them.
But I still can't get the point of living though.
It's like everyone wanna be successful, but hello what's the point of being successful? As long as you have sufficient money to live, and you're with your family then it's good enough.
No matter how much money you earned, you can't bring it into your coffin anyway.
What's the point of earning so much money then?
So yea idk what's the point of having a levels exam when all I do is memorise and oh to score well in exam. Why should people be upset till they have to suicide because of their results? I just don't understand.
You just failed in your exams not your life.
Getting a degree and get a job and earn money.
It's just like a cycle urh I'm so sick and tired of it.
Why can't we just enjoy life instead of doing things that we don't wanna do.
Thought of travelling alone next year after my A levels exams end but parents don't let sigh.
Still trying hard to convince them tho.
Travelling definitely needs money sigh so I'm gonna work during my Sem breaks 😥
Reality is still reality, everything needs money yo.
That's it for today, wish me luck for my next paper on Wednesday 😭

9/5/2015 Sat
下午 1659

Troubles for myself.

Since the day I was bornt, no I think it's supposed to be since the day I went to schools, I've started causing troubles for myself.
Probably not in kindergarten cause I think I'm too young to think about all those shits when I was in kindergarten.
Starting from the day I went primary school, I've always thought about my future.
Probably around std 4, 5, 6 where I have my own way of thinking.
Books always giving us information telling us that we should get a post in club or societies, teachers always educate us about how getting extra posts will increase your chances of getting scholarships and stuff.
We're mostly being educated saying that we should join clubs & societies, if you could, just get a post.
If you can't, you still can communicate with people by getting into clubs and societies.
I was a librarian around std 4, 5, 6 (not really sure about which year I've became a librarian since it's not a permanent job).
I was a class rep when I was in std 6.
Secondary school was kinda...I don't really know how to describe.
I forced myself ok probably not literally forcing it but yeah I wasn't happy.
I became a permanent librarian when I was in form 1.
I went through the interviews which made me kinda suffered cause I came from a Chinese primary school and the interview was done in English.
But ofcourse it's an experience to me.
I went through tests, training and stuff and I became a librarian.
It's actually a good thing that I became a librarian. I improved my English, at least I get the chance to speak English.
Later, I joined Chinese debate team.
To be honest I joined just to improve my skill in speaking to public, I wasn't interested in debate until lately.
Probably I was just a little bit interested in it.
Then I joined xueji. This made me learnt a lot of stuff.
Of course, besides than theoretical & practical stuff, I learnt about how to deal with people, how to speak to the public and feeling for being left out.
I've always had this feeling of being left out there, i just don't know why.
It's like no matter how hard I tried, I still can feel there's a gap between us.
Maybe I'm bornt to be an introvert person, or A social person.
I just kind of hate socialising lol, but I still had to do it.
Cause that's what you will do, for the future.
No matter what job you'll be working on, you'll still have to communicate with people.
You still need to have network in order to succeed. And ofcourse you must have potential orelse nobody would care about you.
Social networking is important.

I'm struggling with all this club shits lately.
I just can't deal with people.
Probably I'm just like what they said, I'm living in my own world for too long.
What I wanna say is, if I'm living in my own world, trust me I won't bother to care about what you said.
Or maybe I would just burst out and scold the shit out of everyone LOL.
I just wanna say that all those basic shits if you seriously can't do it, I'm really speechless.
I can't do anything about it though.
So darn freaking fed up with all these people. 😁
It's alright. I'm gonna be alright.
First, you should be decisive.
Second, you should know that there's not much time left, shouldn't you just erm try to solve this out or pass it to me?
Third, you shouldn't be rushing to do those stuffs when those basic thing like time are not decided.
Forth, we can be friends but partners are a bit difficult.
Fifth, I will try my best to cope with you, hope you will do so too.
That's all.
One more thing. I really hate those irresponsible person which doesn't attend meeting.
Please, since you're committee just put some effort in it can you? CAN YOU.
Not referring to all the committee, only those who doesn't put effort in it.
Tbh, if you don't wanna work don't wanna help out don't wanna come for meeting might as well don't become committee.
Really really disappointed.
Why do I have to face these people everywhere.
If you choose to go paktoh over coming for meeting, please try to think if I do this what would you feel.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe, try to understand how I feel for you to treat me like this.
Sigh all I can say is..........all shits.

Alright gotta stop complaining.

24/11/2014 Mon
晚上 2343

Disappointments.

As I said, life is full of disappointments.
The only way I could probably avoid disappointments is by stop expecting things from others.
Don't expect them to trust you.
Just don't expect too much from others.
They don't owe you anything, you know.
Because they have their own life, and you have yours too.
Sometimes no matter how hard you tried it still stays the same, so we might as well stop trying.
And stop expecting.
The more you expect, the bigger the disappointments you would get.
Really disappointed with my results though. But I can't blame anyone because it's my fault.
I never work hard for it.

Life is getting back to its normal routine.
I hope that I could study hard, work really really hard for my AS.
I know my family won't have that much money to support me to overseas, thus I had to work hard.
At the same time, I don't really wanna go overseas cause I might not be able to live well on my own.
I'm too dependant on my family.
Some people might say that I'm kinda independent, but tbh I'm not.
I don't really know how am I gonna survive living in overseas by myself.
So much thoughts and yet I'm still feeling lost for my future.
I've no idea what should I further study in the future.
Sigh.

Day by day I'm growing up, facing dramas, reality which made me suffocate much.
But I don't really have a choice.
That's what everyone had to face in their life.
It's all what you had to do, what's meant to be.
I've got no time to deal with those love story and stuff.
People should stop flirting like for seriously because it kinda annoyed me.
Sorry for being mean but yeahhhhhh ok probably it's just for that particular guy which erm flirts with everyone.
Urgh so childish. I don't wanna be mean but it's a fact.

That's all for today.
I don't even know what I wrote cause it's all messed up.

20/10/2014 Mon
傍晚 1957

Dramas. It's life.

I've listened & seen so much dramas lately.
I can't even. I don't know how to react.
It's just...unbelievable, even if it's happening right in front of your eyes, your surrounding.
Life is just like drama, or maybe drama is made by what's happening in life.
This few months, or probably this year I've learnt so much.
I'm too naive in the past, way too naive to know about how cruel this world is.
Or maybe till now, I still don't exactly specifically know how cruel this world is.
I don't wanna know. But I know someday I will have to know and face it.
Because this is life.
So many things happened this year. On myself, on other people.
I can't say that I'm really matured but yeah, I've grown up.
Today has been the toughest day ever for me.
Probably not really a big deal, but it shocked me so much.
I didn't know. Or probably I knew but I tried to run away from it.
I'm sorry. I'll try my best to be a good daughter.
I can't promise, cause I don't know if I can do it or not.
I'll try.

Been so busy lately.
A levels is so difficult, or maybe it's just me.
Whatever I said last time hah, it didn't work out.
Sigh. I really hope I could score well for next sem.
To be honest, I don't really bother to study for this sem/last sem cause to me it's not important.
What's important is just trials and actual A level.
I'll work harder for next sem.
Good luck to myself. I hope I won't go crazy because of stress.
Sometimes I can't understand when my parents ask me to study when it's just the beginning of the holiday.
What I wanna do is just chill for a little and release my stress for abit. Why can't I do it?
It's alright.

Nights. Going to Thailand tmr, it's a night flight.
Hope I would have a safe journey & have fun.
11/9/2014 Thu
Midnight 0232

Am freaking pissed off.

This is encrypted: ***

Everything is new.

So much to do, yet not much time left.
Wasted a lot of time doing nothing for past few weeks/months and I'm regretting it now.
Sigh college gonna start in a week, or probably two weeks time.
Gotta pack my stuff and bring it to hostel on 28th April, or latest by that weekend.
Since I'm moving to a new house I had to pack all my stuff too.
I've already stayed in this house for 17 years!
And now I had to move to a new house :(
Kinda 不舍得 cause I really love my house it's comfy and nice and everything is awesome yoooo.
But too bad the bad bad bad 屋主 forced us to move out since they wanna renovate it.
So yeah daddy mommy bought a new house and we gotta move into that house latest by this month.
Because the 屋主 gonna kick us out if we don't, HAH.
But seriously my room in the new house is superbly small I can't even have a proper table in my room.
Don't even have space to walk.
Serious shit.
My sis and brother they had a bigger room. Whyyyyyyy
Oh nooooo there's so much to pack how am I supposed to pack it within a week T_T
And the famine 30 thingy I started to have stuff to do ohno.
Oh yeah I think I didn't mention it before that I got the assistant secretary post.
Yeah I got it. Though a little disappointed that I didn't get the secretary post, but I'm still grateful that I got chosen for assistant sec. :)
Get a new partner and as always, gotta tolerate with people.
Luckily the partner had experience because she was the secretary for another famine 30 camp last year.
Yayz, imma lucky kid hohoho

I gotta mention something really unlucky that happened to me!
Some random bee came and stung me in MY ROOM.
It hurts so much and I was so shocked and afraid so I burst into tears right after I called my daddy.
Oops sorry might sounds abit kiddy but yeah I'm frigging afraid of insects.
And I was scared that the bee is poisonous or smth.
Hahaha. But yeah I'm still alive so it doesn't have poison I guess.
It was pretty scary though.
Luckily I survived! Yay but it's kinda embarrassing because after so many years it was somehow my first time crying infront of my parents. Or family.
Hahahaha.

I tried to read the A levels syllabus but oh well I couldn't understand a single shit yay.
My English was too weak to understand those shit...........
What to do sigh. Otoke? :(
Oops too much Korean dramas hahah.
And I think I had to get the A levels text books by myself LOL.
But seriously idk where or who would sell it sigh.
Someone sell it to me please?
But I heard that the text books are kinda expensive, around 100++ for one.
Ahhhhhhh so much problems.
I think I should get a new specs already my eyesight are getting worse omg.
College gonna start but I'm not prepared for it.
I'm not prepared for anything.
I saw his photo, well I didn't expect to see it though.
Was a little relieved hahaha but it doesn't matters to me anymore.
Used to matter, but now no.

Nights, gotta sleep now. ♡

22/4/2014 Tue
凌晨 0122

A good start, probably.

On the day when we were getting our SPM results, I saw her.
Well of course she's with her friend.
The one that she decided to go with her.
Hmm actually it doesn't bothers me anymore.
This incident actually happened to me once, with the other person.
But until now, I'm still really close with that person. I'm glad that till now I still have her :)
I have actually doubted if I should give up on that friendship but luckily,  I didn't do it.
That's all about it. Not a big deal though.
So yeah she went off with her friend & and I went for my driving class.
Oh yeah I lost my phone.  Like literally lost it.
Dropped it and someone took it.
Because that person offed the phone zzz. Idiotic shit why the hell you steal my phone.
It's not even IPhone or any latest smart phone damn you man seriously.
So I went for driving lesson & before that the uncle only had to fetch me to school.
But he changed his mind because I lost my phone can't contact my parents to fetch me home from school. He waited for me while I take my spm results & fetched me back home at last :)
He's such a good uncle! Glad that I had such a good driving instructor :)
I GOT 9 As.  5A, 4A-,1B+.
Felt really grateful that I got 9 As.
I wouldn't say that my hard work pays off because I didn't actually worked hard.
Overstressed myself during spm and didn't really studied much.
But still I felt a little disappointed cause I got B+ for add maths.
And I didn't get any A+ sigh.
The worst thing is I can't get any scholarship using this results sighhh.
Can't lessen the burden for my family :(
I registered for A levels at TARC already.
I pledge that I would work hard and get good results.
No more slacking, no more playing around.  Time to be serious.
I should not will not procrastinate anymore.
Cause it's A levels so I can't get any loans nor scholarship sigh.
So yeah gotta work hard!
Shouldn't be bothered by small small matters anymore.
Or maybe shouldn't be in a relationship yet LOLOL hahah dk man.

Heh went ou the other day to work.
My job scope was to help people to print out photos & post it on Facebook if they're willing to.
This was a Nestlé roadshow.
Kinda big though. Met a brainless partner lol ok maybe not.
I was frustrated cause she talked bad about me, and her attitudes toward me.
She often talks to me in a rude way & I HATE IT.
I seriously hate it when people talk to me in a rude way.
Dude did you parents taught you to respect people? Can't you like speak in a polite way?
Hmm probably it's my fault because I always day dream while working lolol kay nvm.
Oh and the one I'm obsessed to is working in ou also HAHA.
So erm I actually asked him to have dinner/lunch with me and take photo at my photo booth.
GUESS WHAT?  HE CAME HEHEH and find me during his break.
So I decided to go for break with him so erm we went to eat dinner I think?  Cause it's around 5.
We talked a lot,  like literally a lot during the dinner haha.
Not very awkward though.  Lucky that it's not awkward haha I thought it'll be awkward :p
So yeah time passes really fast then we finished our dinner.
Idk what made me so brave,  but I told him hey we haven take photo yet.
It's around 6 already so I guess you have to go back already right?
He said no la i still have some time.
We went to take photo and he left after that hahah.
A good start, probably?

But too bad I started being not that obsessed with him already LOLOL.
Heh anyways still he started replying my message and not ignoring my msg anymore yay ^^

Bought few stuff yesterday and spent damn a lot of money.
A black jegging from padini which costs 60 bucks. Sienz cause I didn't have a proper and comfortable black pants.
Bought a bag for 55 bucks sigh used up over 100 already.
And a black shoe from voir luckily it costs only 23 heh.
Spending money like water zzz. Gotta control myself already.
Paid A levels first sem fees yesterday.
Spending money everywhere argh.

Define friends.

I used to thought that she would be the one after her.
But obviously not.
What I thought stays as what I thought, it didn't become real.
When did we met? Probably when we was in form 3, in the same class.
I was never close with her during form 3, I had my own gang and our seats were kinda far away.
Until then, we became classmates again during form 4.
It shocked me when she posted on my wall saying that she's excited to be in the same class with me again and stuffs.
Cause we were never close.
So we started as friends and became closer and closer.
In two years time, we became close friends, but we don't really talk about our real problems or secrets.
We just hang out together and have fun, but not heart to heart talk.
We actually had our heart to heart talk this year.
Just few weeks ago.
She talks about her ex, I talk about my so called love story HAH.
Talk about studies, friends and stuff.
I started thinking, probably she would be my second closest friend.
Until today we had a fight.
It wasn't a big deal actually.
I was never someone's first choice.
And I was mad at her because she had to dump us, and goes out with her friends.
It's not literally dump, but to me still it's because we are her second choice, so she decided to go out with her friends than going out with us.
She was angry and mad at the word 'dump' that I used it to describe her action.
Oh well, it's your choice to go out with anyone you want, I can't control you.
I just somehow felt kinda sad.
Probably because of this fight we would stop talking or something?
Way too emotional these days.
I wasn't really mad at her for choosing her friends than us.
I was just a little unhappy.
Because cases like this always happen to me.
Such a sad case.

Maybe I should think what have I done wrong. Karma maybe?
Nah doesn't matter anymore.

Gonna take my spm results tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I really do need alot of luck.
Straight As would be kinda impossible for me to get it. Sigh.

Sometimes when I need someone to talk to, you're not there.

曾经的迷惘。

心中正在呐喊着，什么。
毫无头绪，散乱的步伐。
那梦魇，挥之不去。
不停的逃避，却发现原来一直如影子般跟随着。
彷徨，无助，是最真实的写照。
自己果然很在乎，不是吗？
毫无意外的发现自己在他人心中，仅仅是个过客。
那是非笔墨能形容的感受。
也许是害怕，不愿承认自己其实并不重要。
同时小心翼翼的想要让他把自己放入心中。
不，自己还是毫无资格的。
不了解，又何来爱？
这样的胡言乱语，是否能够让我心，舒坦些？

那两日的梦就彻底证实了原来自己一直对于那件事很牵挂于心。
已经知道不会有结果的事，也应该结束了吧？
但为何我还是依旧奋不顾身的想要更了解你，更亲近你？

11月尾，笔。

前几日跟学哥聊了一些。
他，一直一直都在。
谢谢你。:)
即使有了距离，即使你知道我已经不怎么可能毫无保留的告诉你一切，你仍然愿意。
除了感激，我还是感激。

只是突然发现一切真的结束了。
过去了。
It's over.

梦醒了。

做了两个月的工。
前面一个月都浑浑噩噩的这样过了。同时很开心。
到了二月，突然什么都变了。
只是不懂得。罢了。
跟学记去了适耕庄。嗯自己看海的感觉其实不错。
感觉整个世界就剩下了我一个人。
骑了脚踏车。虽然过马路那些一直感觉好像自己会车祸那样的事最后还是活着回来了。
回来之后跟同事的关系依然如此的好。
只是这一两个星期突然发现所谓的美好不过是个假象。
我第一个月总是在想，这样的生活似乎太美好了。
美好得毫无瑕疵，似乎是个梦。
结果就在这第二个月我就梦醒了。
瞬间一切一切都变坏了。
适耕庄回来发现他们似乎拍拖了？...
算了也不可能再那么常见面了。
然后对于你我也不懂算是什么所以我也不知道要怎样所以也就这样。
一个星期前同事突然告诉我另一个同事（跟我很好的还给了她年饼的LOL ）背后说不喜欢我。
那个时候觉得还好只是有点伤心因为明明跟我那么好的人竟然这样。
好双面。
之后再发生偷窃事件就觉得无语无奈无言。
同事之间为什么要勾心斗角。
为什么要每句话都带根刺。
为什么要前面好好后面就多多话。
为什么会有这种没良心好朋友都出卖的人。（听说同事跟另一个同事的东西）
瞬间觉得社会太可怕，太恶心了。
有必要闹到这样的场面吗？
我天天上班都要对着他们笑我觉得好辛苦。
我不懂他们哪一句话是真的，哪一句话是假的。
每次说话要小心翼翼好辛苦。我不懂谁可以信任。
我爸说这个是给我训练。
不是很想要这样的训练。我可以不要出社会吗？
好可怕。

It's like a drama.
I can't seem to trust anyone & i have no idea who should i trust.
Why did all these happened?
Those people which i used to trust, close to, became those people that talked bad about me.
And so i wont regret for my decision to quit this job.
I gotta learn to be strong.
Soon everything will be alright. Hopefully.

Nights :)

27/2/2014 Thu
半夜 0018

信任。

说实话我有点惊讶于你的变化==
好吧从一开始来说我真的不明白你要表达的是什么。可能我真的是迟钝==++
我很犹豫那是否只是我自己想太多，因为我们的交集貌似称不上多？
只是到后来你整个人的说话语调变了，一直刺刺的。
你说的话太深奥了我要想很久才可以回复 /.\
也许我没有经历过你所经历的所以我没有什么资格说什么。
有时候不是每个人都是坏，都是虚假，都是不能信的。
我也是不会轻易去信任别人的一个人。只是我是为了保护自己。
我会选择去相信一两个我觉得可以去信任的人，然后告诉他/她我的想法/秘密等等。
如果他/她背叛了我，我会对自己说，那是一个成长的时候会经历的过程。
我没有说我不信任你，同时我没有说过我信任你。
因为我还不知道你是否是那一个我可以全心全意去信任的人。
我希望也许有一天你真的能去感受别人对你的好，即使只是一个微笑。
我不是一个很好的人，我很自私我很霸道很任性很固执很麻烦偶尔很虚假。
就如你说的每个人都有必要虚假的时刻，我也是这样。
但是我不会随意去伤害任何一个人，这是我的承诺。
信不信由你。
也许你会很不屑于我所说的，不过这些是我的真心话。
说不要对号入座但是我还是呃想对号入座一次
如果真的只是过客我会很敷衍或者很干脆的不回复你。也不会在犹豫许久后打了这篇呃我不觉得你会看的东东。

Sad day. Frustration.

I had a bad day.
Well maybe not in the morning but when we were going back from her house to ktm I had so much problems.
I walked really slow because I brought so much luggage. I'm so stupid why did I brought so much stuff?!
They had to wait for me and even walk behind me so that I won't be left out.
They even helped me to take my stuffs.
I felt so useless, why did I caused so much problems to them? :(
I even fell down at the road side.
Wth urh. What's the problem with me man, walk also can fall down.
They had to wait for me again.
And walk much more slower because I hurt my knees.
I really felt bad because they're already rushing I tried to walk fast then I didn't saw the 梯级 or smth then I fell and everything just went wrong like that.
It started to be a bad day.
And before we leave the house they asked about 喜欢哪一个学记/对哪个学记有好感。
I didn't want to answer but in the end I was forced to answer lol.
Oh the reason I didn't want to answer is erm.. Well I don't really wanna say it out.
The answer I told them is 不完全是正确但是一部分是真的。(他们问好感嘛)只是喜欢的我没说是谁/什么区罢了 :p
只可惜到了最后我发现其实他好像根本就不是喜欢我所以我很懊恼然后我好像间接告白了 -_____-
如果那个时候他是误会我的意思那他就会认为那是告白了。
只是唉，不觉得他是喜欢我的lol所以告白干屁啊。
之前应该只是我的错觉？嗯。毕竟他已经说了...
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

我的区的聚会好像要cancel了？
很挫败很无奈很生气很无助很想哭很 frustrated
基本上这个区聚会全部都是我一个人在安排一个人在做但她也是有帮我。有东西我也是有跟她一起讨论。她不能去。
我只是觉得我很努力去搞好这个聚会了，为什么会这样？我不明白。
已经是最后一次的聚会了。
我的用心大家看不见？罢了。
然后我一直post说要快点说快点按going/not going他们不会去按的。
tmd不会看华语字？你不能去就按啦我又不是会打你到你家面前骂你。
还要我一个个sms问能去吗
我不想cancel可以吗？
真的。你们不要去说被禁足那你就禁足个够吧。不要来了。
我不想见到你们。我很伤心。很气馁
我教出来的学妹有一半是根本做事没有交代的
我是个废才什么都做不好，什么都不会。

Why did all these happens the day before my birthday?!
THANKS YO, IT'S THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT -.-

培训营。-团结-

今天是我进营的第三天。
其实这三天真的很悠闲，无聊到我不懂要做什么。现在甚至有时间睡觉，呃好吧是因为我不想看游戏。
而且很眼睡。感觉上是越悠闲就越容易觉得疲倦唉。
做了纪念品给学妹们呵呵。设计是我提议的，不过实行的大多是我的partner. 我有画还有laminate啦，但是剪出来那些就比较多partner在做。因为我左手剪出来的东西很难看的 (泪奔
对于改革，嗯有点不适应。
在营内听了某个学哥的话，不能说我完全赞同，但是大多都觉得是事实。
这样的改革会否过于仓促？即便如此，现在在多的话也没用了。 只能做好现在吧。
这些天在营内的时候心情很差，一直都觉得很不爽。
这次营我竟然来那个== 倒霉到啊啊啊啊啊。结果整个人很不舒服很辛苦，因为会痛。所以就心情很不好？应该吧。
然后那个纪念品有个人要帮我们做，其实我想拒绝的，毕竟觉得自己做比较有诚意而且自己比较了解如何做。
但最后没有拒绝到因为我不会拒绝。学不会拒绝的人的后果就是纪念品几乎被毁掉。
好吧好心帮忙是一回事，帮倒忙是另一回事。然后就她帮忙剪了那个纪念品，但是跟我们所说的尺寸不一样。我很记得我的partner有说到那个尺寸是怎样的，结果她剪成那样。
我很火大，超火大的。因为这个是我们给我们的学妹最后一个纪念品来的，然后就这样，让我们绞尽脑汁想办法解决那个问题。
罢了，也许是我的错，一开始不该心软让她帮我们做。
这次就算了，到了另一次我们要修剪这个纪念品的时候，她竟然还提出要帮忙。而且是那种叫我不要做给她做那种。当然我拒绝了。这是我们给我们学妹的，如果她要给就自己做自己的，不要来打扰我们吧。== 因为真的很严重pekcek她了。
当然最后我们解决了那个问题。也不算解决啦，只是让它看起来不那么丑而已 LOL。
想说那一晚的事情。
那天我们凌晨在跟学弟妹开会说谁要做协调员。竟然没人，一个都没有。感觉很挫败的说。
而且我们一直在讲协调员的东西的时候大家都一直面无表情，搞到我很...无法形容我的感受。
不过幸好分享会的时候差不多全部学妹都有哭 :p 除了一个，她说她没有感觉....那时是我觉得要哭了==
因为那时是叫她们说一整年来的感想。
然后离营的时候我很想跟那个很可爱的学弟拥抱的！！(果然太dry了
可惜没有拥抱到 TT 虽然听起来我很像在发娇但是绝对不是 xD
只是看到美好的人想要去拥抱罢了哈哈哈。然后原本那个伟哥是在我的区的 TT 结果他竟然换区了唉。可惜啊可惜，不然一定有很多经典的事情在我的区发生嘿嘿。
噢离营的时间是晚上7点30分。我严重质疑他们的办事效率。营员2点多就离营了，竟然拖到这么就才收拾好。重点是我的离营时间也是跟他们一样 TT 到家的时候9点多晚上了啊啊啊啊啊啊。比较可悲的是唉我走的时候只有一个学妹跟我讲byebye== 人缘不好啊。还有那群我的同届当然也有跟我讲byebye，除了营中 TT (泪奔
好吧废话太多了LOL。总之这是我的最后一个营啦，很多回忆的一个营www

一半是在营内写的，一半是在家写的啦啦啦。
18/12/13 Wed
晚上 2041

熟悉的陌生人。

SPM过了。我毕业了。
对于SPM一开始很紧张，之后就很颓废的不读书。啊，真差劲的我。
也许这算是自我逃避吧。担心成绩出来达不了自己所要的效果，所以潜意识里拒绝读书。懦弱的我啊。
亦或是不想读书的借口。罢了，说再多也没用。
毕业了没有什么特殊的感受，毕竟跟班里的人的关系呃怎么说？相敬如宾 (那是形容夫妻的吧orz
总之就是我做了功课他们借来抄或者是来问问题的，再来是课堂上的partner，仅仅而已。
除了我的自己那群朋友是最熟悉最亲密(？)最好的啦啦啦。
不过想必过了几年就会如小学的好朋友般不再联络，或者是联络了也只说你好吗，班上如何之类的话语，再也没有交心的时刻，成为最熟悉的陌生人。
那显然不是我所希望的。我珍惜我每一位好朋友，但愿不会如此吧。
我只望能够找到一个愿意珍惜我的好朋友。
又要进营了。11号。
卸任了。正式，真正的卸任。
不该再埋怨，所剩的日子不多。而是该好好珍惜，不是吗？我会学习去珍惜的。
那日与他们去了midvalley。做了一个对我来说挺疯狂的事。就，去了chilis我们8个人只order了一样东西。==
然后呢那样东西可以无限量refill的。我们就在那里refill了三四次LOL. 感觉那里的员工以异样的眼神看我们 (心虚呗
那样就算是咱们的晚餐了。呃挺无语的哈哈哈。
期待25号与他们一起去玩。
今天去了湖边，在puchong。
到那个地方的时候很惊讶因为跟想象中的不一样。差别太大了。
虽然地方看起来不是很好，玩的东西也很少，不过最后我还是尽兴而归。
我很厉害的叻哈哈哈，我敢自己kayak到湖中间离岸边很远很远。自己一个人叻。好吧其实也没啥好暗爽的。
我爸没玩，因为一看到那个地方他就想走了的 LOL。
我的大弟没玩，因为刚病好，而且还在感冒。
原本小弟没玩，但是最后还是去玩了。他还在感冒所以玩到一半就被我爸拉去冲凉。
我妈超好笑的，她跟我家佣人kayak两次，两次都在湖中间回不来哈哈哈 xD
噢对了我的亲戚也是有来，表姐表妹表弟舅舅外公外婆都有来。
所以第一次回不来是他们教她怎样划回来，第二次是我教，不过还是划不回来，最后我姐游到湖中间来拉那个船。(不会很远但很深，如果是我一定不敢的==
第二次的时候她还有带我的小弟去，那次吓到我半死因为我的小弟在湖中间要爬出船 -___- 还有是差不多要到岸边但是那边还是很深的时候他直接跳出船，幸好最后没事。
我姐跟我一起kayak过一次然后跑去陪我表妹kayak了。然后她其实不是很喜欢kayak的，她好像讲过啦。
但是我相反啦啦啦我很喜欢kayak的感觉，很累很费力的感觉除外。
总之嗯这次我玩到很爽。至于我的家人就嗯大多数很不爽 (喂
我爸说要补偿带我们去其他地方玩嘿嘿。挺期待的啦啦啦。但是安排时间那些很麻烦，因为大家都很忙。

明天跟老爸去教育展，姐还有弟应该有去。相信会遇到很多学记哈哈哈。
晚安。话说信还没收到叻  TT 两个月了orz

8/12/13 Sun
凌晨0243

幸福，是什么。

幸福，对每个人来说都是有着不一样的定义。
也许某些人觉得富有就是等同于幸福，或者有着很多朋友是幸福，也有人认为有着一个爱自己的人就是幸福。
我并不会否认那不是幸福，毕竟这种东西比较主观，仅仅局限于自己所感受到的。
我个人认为幸福是与自己的生活息息相关。其实有饭吃也就是幸福。
不过我认为我的幸福是拥有了一个家，这个家里的人都很疼我，足矣。
而如今的我拥有了幸福。我很感恩。
然而我觉得幸福会随着生活发展而改变。就如今日你觉得有饭吃就是幸福，也许明日你会觉得有辆车是幸福 ; 今日你觉得拥有一个家是幸福，也许长大后你会觉得拥有一个全心爱你的人才是幸福。
我只会选择珍惜当下，而不是埋怨我所没有的。我也会竭力去争取我没有，但却想要的。
嘿嘿，其实我还蛮常埋怨的...所以就呃顺其自然吧。
如今的我说不上单纯，也不是充满心机的人。
单纯只会被人伤害，自我保护仍然是被需要的。我只不过是不想被伤害而成长了，亦或是被伤害了所以成长了。
每个人生活中都必须要经历风风雨雨才能成长，虽说我经历的其实很少，但其实那一丁点儿我都已经觉得疲累。
我真的很讨厌有心机的人。罢了，也许某日我会成为他们的一分子。仅仅是时间问题吧。

两个科目。过了。
说不上好，也不算不好。
但愿能考到不错吧。
这两日有些无所事事。也不尽然。
只是做了此时不该做的事，竟然去追戏，看小说。
自己的自制力果然令人无语。
今天晚餐后去看了弟弟学校的音乐晚会。看到了自己的母校的乐队表演。
其实回想起来自己完全没有真正想过要去参加这类的东西。
很震撼。很佩服打鼓的觉得特别有英气。看起来真帅气 xD 就算是女生打鼓也是。
有两三年没回母校了，似乎没有什么可留念的。在老师眼中乖乖女一个，但是班上乖乖女太多了，不差我一个。
不过有个巧合就是我的级任竟然成了我弟弟的级任呵呵。
每次她跟我弟弟提到我，她就会称赞我当初多么乖写字多么美(因为我弟弟的字实在是惨不忍睹)哈哈哈。(暗爽中

对于SPM到了我反而没有那么紧张。
就只能尽力而为虽然我一直浪费时间 -.-
不过我谨记我教练曾经说过的，他说如果我们准备了30%，那就用尽那30%.很多时候就算你准备了100%但是没有用尽100%而只用了30%，那还不就一样。倒不如顺其自然能准备多少就多少，重要的是可以用尽多少。

只要尽力了，便毫无遗憾。
也许成绩出来不理想，我会伤心，会哭一下，但至少我会觉得我尽力了 。(虽然说得有些心虚LOL)
接下来的日子还长呢，为了一件事而停留额是不会去耗费那样的时间的。
倒不如去看我的小说 (喂

啊忘了说今天的糗事。
大概11点多晚上跟我姐还有弟弟出去吃夜宵。
我姐载我们去。
有些部分就跳过因为不是重点。
我们就去了某个地方吃东西，呃基本上是我和弟在吃而已，我姐说她很饱。==
然后就吃饱了就要回家。
就到了我们parking的地方还有我们的车。我姐用钥匙尝试去开车门但是开不到。然后尝试了很多次，有地方插钥匙的都插了还是开不到。
最后只好去到mcd等待老爸来救援。
不久后老爸到了要我们去我们车那边找他。
我们找到了我们的车但是却没发现爸的车。我姐就叫我去前面看看。我走了几步路，突然看到我爸的车。
还有我爸隔壁还有一辆车，我们的车。
我就赶快回头，原来那辆所谓我们的车根本不是我们的车！车牌都不一样==+++
就悲剧了丢人了。我们三个人三双眼睛竟然没有发现车牌不一样...
我当场爆笑狂笑因为觉得实在太好笑了LOL。
我们大家当时的表情就是砸到，wth，还有老爸老妈无奈的表情哈哈哈。
总之就是很废啦。半夜十二点多了竟然搞出个乌龙。
不过想必这会是一个很美好的回忆。
回去自然被老爸骂我们笨==
三个人叻竟然没发现。我还问我爸，我们半夜酱出事他不担心咩LOL
他竟然说不担心== 不过我知道他担心啦 (自作多情
大家平安到家了。噢话说当时我们一家人都跑去那里了。哈哈哈。

就到这里吧。要去刷牙睡觉了。
祝我sejarah还有pa可以顺顺利利。

10/11/2013 Saturday
凌晨0147

不堪。

I have no idea what to do.
Have to admit that I started to feel scared. I'm afraid.
I really do.
Counting down. Day by day.
Just few more days to go.
But I'm not prepared at all, NOT AT ALL.
When people asked what have I studied, I didn't know what to answer.
I don't even know what I'm doing these few days.
Not enough time already.
What should I do now?

I felt so insecure.
Sigh. Who do I mean to you actually?
Too much stuff. Bothering me, distracting me.
I feel like running away.
Dad came back already. Mom didn't know what to say to me already.
I'm a bad bad bad kid.
Add maths is killing me. I spent all my time doing add math and didn't bother to care about bm or sej or eng or even accounts.
Damn.
I should chill now, and start to study.
Few more days.

说实话原来是这样的，那种感受。
如果真的就这样结束了，我该怎么办？
自己的心，连自己都不清楚呢。
究竟自己要的是什么，想的是什么？！乱。
现在不是时候。
很心烦很担忧很思念很慌乱很无助。
但你不在，一直都。
我无法向任何人诉说我的担忧我的惊慌我的无助只能装作我很好。
罢了。就是这样，才能成长不是吗？

迷茫。迷惘。