Troubles for myself.

Since the day I was bornt, no I think it's supposed to be since the day I went to schools, I've started causing troubles for myself.
Probably not in kindergarten cause I think I'm too young to think about all those shits when I was in kindergarten.
Starting from the day I went primary school, I've always thought about my future.
Probably around std 4, 5, 6 where I have my own way of thinking.
Books always giving us information telling us that we should get a post in club or societies, teachers always educate us about how getting extra posts will increase your chances of getting scholarships and stuff.
We're mostly being educated saying that we should join clubs & societies, if you could, just get a post.
If you can't, you still can communicate with people by getting into clubs and societies.
I was a librarian around std 4, 5, 6 (not really sure about which year I've became a librarian since it's not a permanent job).
I was a class rep when I was in std 6.
Secondary school was kinda...I don't really know how to describe.
I forced myself ok probably not literally forcing it but yeah I wasn't happy.
I became a permanent librarian when I was in form 1.
I went through the interviews which made me kinda suffered cause I came from a Chinese primary school and the interview was done in English.
But ofcourse it's an experience to me.
I went through tests, training and stuff and I became a librarian.
It's actually a good thing that I became a librarian. I improved my English, at least I get the chance to speak English.
Later, I joined Chinese debate team.
To be honest I joined just to improve my skill in speaking to public, I wasn't interested in debate until lately.
Probably I was just a little bit interested in it.
Then I joined xueji. This made me learnt a lot of stuff.
Of course, besides than theoretical & practical stuff, I learnt about how to deal with people, how to speak to the public and feeling for being left out.
I've always had this feeling of being left out there, i just don't know why.
It's like no matter how hard I tried, I still can feel there's a gap between us.
Maybe I'm bornt to be an introvert person, or A social person.
I just kind of hate socialising lol, but I still had to do it.
Cause that's what you will do, for the future.
No matter what job you'll be working on, you'll still have to communicate with people.
You still need to have network in order to succeed. And ofcourse you must have potential orelse nobody would care about you.
Social networking is important.

I'm struggling with all this club shits lately.
I just can't deal with people.
Probably I'm just like what they said, I'm living in my own world for too long.
What I wanna say is, if I'm living in my own world, trust me I won't bother to care about what you said.
Or maybe I would just burst out and scold the shit out of everyone LOL.
I just wanna say that all those basic shits if you seriously can't do it, I'm really speechless.
I can't do anything about it though.
So darn freaking fed up with all these people. 😁
It's alright. I'm gonna be alright.
First, you should be decisive.
Second, you should know that there's not much time left, shouldn't you just erm try to solve this out or pass it to me?
Third, you shouldn't be rushing to do those stuffs when those basic thing like time are not decided.
Forth, we can be friends but partners are a bit difficult.
Fifth, I will try my best to cope with you, hope you will do so too.
That's all.
One more thing. I really hate those irresponsible person which doesn't attend meeting.
Please, since you're committee just put some effort in it can you? CAN YOU.
Not referring to all the committee, only those who doesn't put effort in it.
Tbh, if you don't wanna work don't wanna help out don't wanna come for meeting might as well don't become committee.
Really really disappointed.
Why do I have to face these people everywhere.
If you choose to go paktoh over coming for meeting, please try to think if I do this what would you feel.
Please try to put yourself in my shoe, try to understand how I feel for you to treat me like this.
Sigh all I can say is..........all shits.

Alright gotta stop complaining.

24/11/2014 Mon
晚上 2343

Disappointments.

As I said, life is full of disappointments.
The only way I could probably avoid disappointments is by stop expecting things from others.
Don't expect them to trust you.
Just don't expect too much from others.
They don't owe you anything, you know.
Because they have their own life, and you have yours too.
Sometimes no matter how hard you tried it still stays the same, so we might as well stop trying.
And stop expecting.
The more you expect, the bigger the disappointments you would get.
Really disappointed with my results though. But I can't blame anyone because it's my fault.
I never work hard for it.

Life is getting back to its normal routine.
I hope that I could study hard, work really really hard for my AS.
I know my family won't have that much money to support me to overseas, thus I had to work hard.
At the same time, I don't really wanna go overseas cause I might not be able to live well on my own.
I'm too dependant on my family.
Some people might say that I'm kinda independent, but tbh I'm not.
I don't really know how am I gonna survive living in overseas by myself.
So much thoughts and yet I'm still feeling lost for my future.
I've no idea what should I further study in the future.
Sigh.

Day by day I'm growing up, facing dramas, reality which made me suffocate much.
But I don't really have a choice.
That's what everyone had to face in their life.
It's all what you had to do, what's meant to be.
I've got no time to deal with those love story and stuff.
People should stop flirting like for seriously because it kinda annoyed me.
Sorry for being mean but yeahhhhhh ok probably it's just for that particular guy which erm flirts with everyone.
Urgh so childish. I don't wanna be mean but it's a fact.

That's all for today.
I don't even know what I wrote cause it's all messed up.

20/10/2014 Mon
傍晚 1957

Dramas. It's life.

I've listened & seen so much dramas lately.
I can't even. I don't know how to react.
It's just...unbelievable, even if it's happening right in front of your eyes, your surrounding.
Life is just like drama, or maybe drama is made by what's happening in life.
This few months, or probably this year I've learnt so much.
I'm too naive in the past, way too naive to know about how cruel this world is.
Or maybe till now, I still don't exactly specifically know how cruel this world is.
I don't wanna know. But I know someday I will have to know and face it.
Because this is life.
So many things happened this year. On myself, on other people.
I can't say that I'm really matured but yeah, I've grown up.
Today has been the toughest day ever for me.
Probably not really a big deal, but it shocked me so much.
I didn't know. Or probably I knew but I tried to run away from it.
I'm sorry. I'll try my best to be a good daughter.
I can't promise, cause I don't know if I can do it or not.
I'll try.

Been so busy lately.
A levels is so difficult, or maybe it's just me.
Whatever I said last time hah, it didn't work out.
Sigh. I really hope I could score well for next sem.
To be honest, I don't really bother to study for this sem/last sem cause to me it's not important.
What's important is just trials and actual A level.
I'll work harder for next sem.
Good luck to myself. I hope I won't go crazy because of stress.
Sometimes I can't understand when my parents ask me to study when it's just the beginning of the holiday.
What I wanna do is just chill for a little and release my stress for abit. Why can't I do it?
It's alright.

Nights. Going to Thailand tmr, it's a night flight.
Hope I would have a safe journey & have fun.
11/9/2014 Thu
Midnight 0232

Am freaking pissed off.

This is encrypted: ***

Everything is new.

So much to do, yet not much time left.
Wasted a lot of time doing nothing for past few weeks/months and I'm regretting it now.
Sigh college gonna start in a week, or probably two weeks time.
Gotta pack my stuff and bring it to hostel on 28th April, or latest by that weekend.
Since I'm moving to a new house I had to pack all my stuff too.
I've already stayed in this house for 17 years!
And now I had to move to a new house :(
Kinda 不舍得 cause I really love my house it's comfy and nice and everything is awesome yoooo.
But too bad the bad bad bad 屋主 forced us to move out since they wanna renovate it.
So yeah daddy mommy bought a new house and we gotta move into that house latest by this month.
Because the 屋主 gonna kick us out if we don't, HAH.
But seriously my room in the new house is superbly small I can't even have a proper table in my room.
Don't even have space to walk.
Serious shit.
My sis and brother they had a bigger room. Whyyyyyyy
Oh nooooo there's so much to pack how am I supposed to pack it within a week T_T
And the famine 30 thingy I started to have stuff to do ohno.
Oh yeah I think I didn't mention it before that I got the assistant secretary post.
Yeah I got it. Though a little disappointed that I didn't get the secretary post, but I'm still grateful that I got chosen for assistant sec. :)
Get a new partner and as always, gotta tolerate with people.
Luckily the partner had experience because she was the secretary for another famine 30 camp last year.
Yayz, imma lucky kid hohoho

I gotta mention something really unlucky that happened to me!
Some random bee came and stung me in MY ROOM.
It hurts so much and I was so shocked and afraid so I burst into tears right after I called my daddy.
Oops sorry might sounds abit kiddy but yeah I'm frigging afraid of insects.
And I was scared that the bee is poisonous or smth.
Hahaha. But yeah I'm still alive so it doesn't have poison I guess.
It was pretty scary though.
Luckily I survived! Yay but it's kinda embarrassing because after so many years it was somehow my first time crying infront of my parents. Or family.
Hahahaha.

I tried to read the A levels syllabus but oh well I couldn't understand a single shit yay.
My English was too weak to understand those shit...........
What to do sigh. Otoke? :(
Oops too much Korean dramas hahah.
And I think I had to get the A levels text books by myself LOL.
But seriously idk where or who would sell it sigh.
Someone sell it to me please?
But I heard that the text books are kinda expensive, around 100++ for one.
Ahhhhhhh so much problems.
I think I should get a new specs already my eyesight are getting worse omg.
College gonna start but I'm not prepared for it.
I'm not prepared for anything.
I saw his photo, well I didn't expect to see it though.
Was a little relieved hahaha but it doesn't matters to me anymore.
Used to matter, but now no.

Nights, gotta sleep now. ♡

22/4/2014 Tue
凌晨 0122

A good start, probably.

On the day when we were getting our SPM results, I saw her.
Well of course she's with her friend.
The one that she decided to go with her.
Hmm actually it doesn't bothers me anymore.
This incident actually happened to me once, with the other person.
But until now, I'm still really close with that person. I'm glad that till now I still have her :)
I have actually doubted if I should give up on that friendship but luckily,  I didn't do it.
That's all about it. Not a big deal though.
So yeah she went off with her friend & and I went for my driving class.
Oh yeah I lost my phone.  Like literally lost it.
Dropped it and someone took it.
Because that person offed the phone zzz. Idiotic shit why the hell you steal my phone.
It's not even IPhone or any latest smart phone damn you man seriously.
So I went for driving lesson & before that the uncle only had to fetch me to school.
But he changed his mind because I lost my phone can't contact my parents to fetch me home from school. He waited for me while I take my spm results & fetched me back home at last :)
He's such a good uncle! Glad that I had such a good driving instructor :)
I GOT 9 As.  5A, 4A-,1B+.
Felt really grateful that I got 9 As.
I wouldn't say that my hard work pays off because I didn't actually worked hard.
Overstressed myself during spm and didn't really studied much.
But still I felt a little disappointed cause I got B+ for add maths.
And I didn't get any A+ sigh.
The worst thing is I can't get any scholarship using this results sighhh.
Can't lessen the burden for my family :(
I registered for A levels at TARC already.
I pledge that I would work hard and get good results.
No more slacking, no more playing around.  Time to be serious.
I should not will not procrastinate anymore.
Cause it's A levels so I can't get any loans nor scholarship sigh.
So yeah gotta work hard!
Shouldn't be bothered by small small matters anymore.
Or maybe shouldn't be in a relationship yet LOLOL hahah dk man.

Heh went ou the other day to work.
My job scope was to help people to print out photos & post it on Facebook if they're willing to.
This was a Nestlé roadshow.
Kinda big though. Met a brainless partner lol ok maybe not.
I was frustrated cause she talked bad about me, and her attitudes toward me.
She often talks to me in a rude way & I HATE IT.
I seriously hate it when people talk to me in a rude way.
Dude did you parents taught you to respect people? Can't you like speak in a polite way?
Hmm probably it's my fault because I always day dream while working lolol kay nvm.
Oh and the one I'm obsessed to is working in ou also HAHA.
So erm I actually asked him to have dinner/lunch with me and take photo at my photo booth.
GUESS WHAT?  HE CAME HEHEH and find me during his break.
So I decided to go for break with him so erm we went to eat dinner I think?  Cause it's around 5.
We talked a lot,  like literally a lot during the dinner haha.
Not very awkward though.  Lucky that it's not awkward haha I thought it'll be awkward :p
So yeah time passes really fast then we finished our dinner.
Idk what made me so brave,  but I told him hey we haven take photo yet.
It's around 6 already so I guess you have to go back already right?
He said no la i still have some time.
We went to take photo and he left after that hahah.
A good start, probably?

But too bad I started being not that obsessed with him already LOLOL.
Heh anyways still he started replying my message and not ignoring my msg anymore yay ^^

Bought few stuff yesterday and spent damn a lot of money.
A black jegging from padini which costs 60 bucks. Sienz cause I didn't have a proper and comfortable black pants.
Bought a bag for 55 bucks sigh used up over 100 already.
And a black shoe from voir luckily it costs only 23 heh.
Spending money like water zzz. Gotta control myself already.
Paid A levels first sem fees yesterday.
Spending money everywhere argh.

Define friends.

I used to thought that she would be the one after her.
But obviously not.
What I thought stays as what I thought, it didn't become real.
When did we met? Probably when we was in form 3, in the same class.
I was never close with her during form 3, I had my own gang and our seats were kinda far away.
Until then, we became classmates again during form 4.
It shocked me when she posted on my wall saying that she's excited to be in the same class with me again and stuffs.
Cause we were never close.
So we started as friends and became closer and closer.
In two years time, we became close friends, but we don't really talk about our real problems or secrets.
We just hang out together and have fun, but not heart to heart talk.
We actually had our heart to heart talk this year.
Just few weeks ago.
She talks about her ex, I talk about my so called love story HAH.
Talk about studies, friends and stuff.
I started thinking, probably she would be my second closest friend.
Until today we had a fight.
It wasn't a big deal actually.
I was never someone's first choice.
And I was mad at her because she had to dump us, and goes out with her friends.
It's not literally dump, but to me still it's because we are her second choice, so she decided to go out with her friends than going out with us.
She was angry and mad at the word 'dump' that I used it to describe her action.
Oh well, it's your choice to go out with anyone you want, I can't control you.
I just somehow felt kinda sad.
Probably because of this fight we would stop talking or something?
Way too emotional these days.
I wasn't really mad at her for choosing her friends than us.
I was just a little unhappy.
Because cases like this always happen to me.
Such a sad case.

Maybe I should think what have I done wrong. Karma maybe?
Nah doesn't matter anymore.

Gonna take my spm results tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I really do need alot of luck.
Straight As would be kinda impossible for me to get it. Sigh.

Sometimes when I need someone to talk to, you're not there.

曾经的迷惘。

心中正在呐喊着，什么。
毫无头绪，散乱的步伐。
那梦魇，挥之不去。
不停的逃避，却发现原来一直如影子般跟随着。
彷徨，无助，是最真实的写照。
自己果然很在乎，不是吗？
毫无意外的发现自己在他人心中，仅仅是个过客。
那是非笔墨能形容的感受。
也许是害怕，不愿承认自己其实并不重要。
同时小心翼翼的想要让他把自己放入心中。
不，自己还是毫无资格的。
不了解，又何来爱？
这样的胡言乱语，是否能够让我心，舒坦些？

那两日的梦就彻底证实了原来自己一直对于那件事很牵挂于心。
已经知道不会有结果的事，也应该结束了吧？
但为何我还是依旧奋不顾身的想要更了解你，更亲近你？

11月尾，笔。

前几日跟学哥聊了一些。
他，一直一直都在。
谢谢你。:)
即使有了距离，即使你知道我已经不怎么可能毫无保留的告诉你一切，你仍然愿意。
除了感激，我还是感激。

只是突然发现一切真的结束了。
过去了。
It's over.

梦醒了。

做了两个月的工。
前面一个月都浑浑噩噩的这样过了。同时很开心。
到了二月，突然什么都变了。
只是不懂得。罢了。
跟学记去了适耕庄。嗯自己看海的感觉其实不错。
感觉整个世界就剩下了我一个人。
骑了脚踏车。虽然过马路那些一直感觉好像自己会车祸那样的事最后还是活着回来了。
回来之后跟同事的关系依然如此的好。
只是这一两个星期突然发现所谓的美好不过是个假象。
我第一个月总是在想，这样的生活似乎太美好了。
美好得毫无瑕疵，似乎是个梦。
结果就在这第二个月我就梦醒了。
瞬间一切一切都变坏了。
适耕庄回来发现他们似乎拍拖了？...
算了也不可能再那么常见面了。
然后对于你我也不懂算是什么所以我也不知道要怎样所以也就这样。
一个星期前同事突然告诉我另一个同事（跟我很好的还给了她年饼的LOL ）背后说不喜欢我。
那个时候觉得还好只是有点伤心因为明明跟我那么好的人竟然这样。
好双面。
之后再发生偷窃事件就觉得无语无奈无言。
同事之间为什么要勾心斗角。
为什么要每句话都带根刺。
为什么要前面好好后面就多多话。
为什么会有这种没良心好朋友都出卖的人。（听说同事跟另一个同事的东西）
瞬间觉得社会太可怕，太恶心了。
有必要闹到这样的场面吗？
我天天上班都要对着他们笑我觉得好辛苦。
我不懂他们哪一句话是真的，哪一句话是假的。
每次说话要小心翼翼好辛苦。我不懂谁可以信任。
我爸说这个是给我训练。
不是很想要这样的训练。我可以不要出社会吗？
好可怕。

It's like a drama.
I can't seem to trust anyone & i have no idea who should i trust.
Why did all these happened?
Those people which i used to trust, close to, became those people that talked bad about me.
And so i wont regret for my decision to quit this job.
I gotta learn to be strong.
Soon everything will be alright. Hopefully.

Nights :)

27/2/2014 Thu
半夜 0018

信任。

说实话我有点惊讶于你的变化==
好吧从一开始来说我真的不明白你要表达的是什么。可能我真的是迟钝==++
我很犹豫那是否只是我自己想太多，因为我们的交集貌似称不上多？
只是到后来你整个人的说话语调变了，一直刺刺的。
你说的话太深奥了我要想很久才可以回复 /.\
也许我没有经历过你所经历的所以我没有什么资格说什么。
有时候不是每个人都是坏，都是虚假，都是不能信的。
我也是不会轻易去信任别人的一个人。只是我是为了保护自己。
我会选择去相信一两个我觉得可以去信任的人，然后告诉他/她我的想法/秘密等等。
如果他/她背叛了我，我会对自己说，那是一个成长的时候会经历的过程。
我没有说我不信任你，同时我没有说过我信任你。
因为我还不知道你是否是那一个我可以全心全意去信任的人。
我希望也许有一天你真的能去感受别人对你的好，即使只是一个微笑。
我不是一个很好的人，我很自私我很霸道很任性很固执很麻烦偶尔很虚假。
就如你说的每个人都有必要虚假的时刻，我也是这样。
但是我不会随意去伤害任何一个人，这是我的承诺。
信不信由你。
也许你会很不屑于我所说的，不过这些是我的真心话。
说不要对号入座但是我还是呃想对号入座一次
如果真的只是过客我会很敷衍或者很干脆的不回复你。也不会在犹豫许久后打了这篇呃我不觉得你会看的东东。