Struggles

Haven't been blogging for quite some time and I'm back yay.
FINALLY I'm done with all the economic society shits yo.
Even tho my last event was just right before my trials but it's alright.
So for the last event we sold breads, fried beehoon and nasi lemak to those Foundation and a levels new intake students.
Sadly we didn't manage to sell off everything and we even made losses.
So we distributed all those food but why just why people don't wanna take free food?!
IT'S FREE man.
Lol anyway yeah we distributed all the food.
On that particular day there's this guy who helped out even tho he's not from economic society.
Feeling really thankful and wanna express my gratitude towards him so much.
Okay so that day he fetched me back and the other day he fetched my friend and I to lrt station.
I admit that I'm interested in him at the beginning but soon I realised that our personalities just don't suit each other.
But somehow I just don't know how to make it clear to him without being too frank.
So probably I should just go with the flow eh.
Back to the topic, so I gave a speech on that day to those new students.
Not really speech but just talked for few minutes on stage.
There are around 900+ person in the hall and I'm so darn freaking nervous but still I succeed in giving my speech.
Although my voice is too soft but nevermind at least I didn't shiver on stage or forget my speech.
That's it for the last event of economic society. However there's still AGM before I officially get the burden off my shoulder.

Anyway I'm having my AS now, not AS trials..........it's too fast that I can't even.
Two papers I had was quite okay, at least I'm sure that I won't fail for those LOL.
Still have few more papers to go, wish me luck & pray for me please. 😢

Actually what I wanna talk about is not whatever I mentioned above.
Lately I've been struggling alot trying to figure out what life is and what's the purpose of living.
I'm so lost that I just don't know what to do with my life.
People might thought that I'm so darn freaking depressed if I posted thoughts like this on insta or fb.
I'm not depressed, I'm lost.
It's probably what everyone would go through in their life for at least once.
But probably they'll just let it pass without figuring out the answer for those questions.
Up until now, all I could think of is to repay what your parents gave you.
But I just don't know man, sometimes I wish I'm not bornt so I wouldn't have this struggle.
My gp lecturers taught us about a topic related to suicide, it says that a person would show signs to the people surrounding them before they suicide, it's a cry for help.
As for people who are determined to die, they wouldn't do it as they're determined to die lol.
Well I did thought of the ways to suicide before, but just the ways lol I never thought of suiciding okay chill.
It's just that seeing so many people suffering in their life yet they still try their best to live, so why should I suicide when I don't even suffer as much as them.
But I still can't get the point of living though.
It's like everyone wanna be successful, but hello what's the point of being successful? As long as you have sufficient money to live, and you're with your family then it's good enough.
No matter how much money you earned, you can't bring it into your coffin anyway.
What's the point of earning so much money then?
So yea idk what's the point of having a levels exam when all I do is memorise and oh to score well in exam. Why should people be upset till they have to suicide because of their results? I just don't understand.
You just failed in your exams not your life.
Getting a degree and get a job and earn money.
It's just like a cycle urh I'm so sick and tired of it.
Why can't we just enjoy life instead of doing things that we don't wanna do.
Thought of travelling alone next year after my A levels exams end but parents don't let sigh.
Still trying hard to convince them tho.
Travelling definitely needs money sigh so I'm gonna work during my Sem breaks 😥
Reality is still reality, everything needs money yo.
That's it for today, wish me luck for my next paper on Wednesday 😭

9/5/2015 Sat
下午 1659

Everything is new.

So much to do, yet not much time left.
Wasted a lot of time doing nothing for past few weeks/months and I'm regretting it now.
Sigh college gonna start in a week, or probably two weeks time.
Gotta pack my stuff and bring it to hostel on 28th April, or latest by that weekend.
Since I'm moving to a new house I had to pack all my stuff too.
I've already stayed in this house for 17 years!
And now I had to move to a new house :(
Kinda 不舍得 cause I really love my house it's comfy and nice and everything is awesome yoooo.
But too bad the bad bad bad 屋主 forced us to move out since they wanna renovate it.
So yeah daddy mommy bought a new house and we gotta move into that house latest by this month.
Because the 屋主 gonna kick us out if we don't, HAH.
But seriously my room in the new house is superbly small I can't even have a proper table in my room.
Don't even have space to walk.
Serious shit.
My sis and brother they had a bigger room. Whyyyyyyy
Oh nooooo there's so much to pack how am I supposed to pack it within a week T_T
And the famine 30 thingy I started to have stuff to do ohno.
Oh yeah I think I didn't mention it before that I got the assistant secretary post.
Yeah I got it. Though a little disappointed that I didn't get the secretary post, but I'm still grateful that I got chosen for assistant sec. :)
Get a new partner and as always, gotta tolerate with people.
Luckily the partner had experience because she was the secretary for another famine 30 camp last year.
Yayz, imma lucky kid hohoho

I gotta mention something really unlucky that happened to me!
Some random bee came and stung me in MY ROOM.
It hurts so much and I was so shocked and afraid so I burst into tears right after I called my daddy.
Oops sorry might sounds abit kiddy but yeah I'm frigging afraid of insects.
And I was scared that the bee is poisonous or smth.
Hahaha. But yeah I'm still alive so it doesn't have poison I guess.
It was pretty scary though.
Luckily I survived! Yay but it's kinda embarrassing because after so many years it was somehow my first time crying infront of my parents. Or family.
Hahahaha.

I tried to read the A levels syllabus but oh well I couldn't understand a single shit yay.
My English was too weak to understand those shit...........
What to do sigh. Otoke? :(
Oops too much Korean dramas hahah.
And I think I had to get the A levels text books by myself LOL.
But seriously idk where or who would sell it sigh.
Someone sell it to me please?
But I heard that the text books are kinda expensive, around 100++ for one.
Ahhhhhhh so much problems.
I think I should get a new specs already my eyesight are getting worse omg.
College gonna start but I'm not prepared for it.
I'm not prepared for anything.
I saw his photo, well I didn't expect to see it though.
Was a little relieved hahaha but it doesn't matters to me anymore.
Used to matter, but now no.

Nights, gotta sleep now. ♡

22/4/2014 Tue
凌晨 0122

Sad day. Frustration.

I had a bad day.
Well maybe not in the morning but when we were going back from her house to ktm I had so much problems.
I walked really slow because I brought so much luggage. I'm so stupid why did I brought so much stuff?!
They had to wait for me and even walk behind me so that I won't be left out.
They even helped me to take my stuffs.
I felt so useless, why did I caused so much problems to them? :(
I even fell down at the road side.
Wth urh. What's the problem with me man, walk also can fall down.
They had to wait for me again.
And walk much more slower because I hurt my knees.
I really felt bad because they're already rushing I tried to walk fast then I didn't saw the 梯级 or smth then I fell and everything just went wrong like that.
It started to be a bad day.
And before we leave the house they asked about 喜欢哪一个学记/对哪个学记有好感。
I didn't want to answer but in the end I was forced to answer lol.
Oh the reason I didn't want to answer is erm.. Well I don't really wanna say it out.
The answer I told them is 不完全是正确但是一部分是真的。(他们问好感嘛)只是喜欢的我没说是谁/什么区罢了 :p
只可惜到了最后我发现其实他好像根本就不是喜欢我所以我很懊恼然后我好像间接告白了 -_____-
如果那个时候他是误会我的意思那他就会认为那是告白了。
只是唉，不觉得他是喜欢我的lol所以告白干屁啊。
之前应该只是我的错觉？嗯。毕竟他已经说了...
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

我的区的聚会好像要cancel了？
很挫败很无奈很生气很无助很想哭很 frustrated
基本上这个区聚会全部都是我一个人在安排一个人在做但她也是有帮我。有东西我也是有跟她一起讨论。她不能去。
我只是觉得我很努力去搞好这个聚会了，为什么会这样？我不明白。
已经是最后一次的聚会了。
我的用心大家看不见？罢了。
然后我一直post说要快点说快点按going/not going他们不会去按的。
tmd不会看华语字？你不能去就按啦我又不是会打你到你家面前骂你。
还要我一个个sms问能去吗
我不想cancel可以吗？
真的。你们不要去说被禁足那你就禁足个够吧。不要来了。
我不想见到你们。我很伤心。很气馁
我教出来的学妹有一半是根本做事没有交代的
我是个废才什么都做不好，什么都不会。

Why did all these happens the day before my birthday?!
THANKS YO, IT'S THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT -.-

不堪。

I have no idea what to do.
Have to admit that I started to feel scared. I'm afraid.
I really do.
Counting down. Day by day.
Just few more days to go.
But I'm not prepared at all, NOT AT ALL.
When people asked what have I studied, I didn't know what to answer.
I don't even know what I'm doing these few days.
Not enough time already.
What should I do now?

I felt so insecure.
Sigh. Who do I mean to you actually?
Too much stuff. Bothering me, distracting me.
I feel like running away.
Dad came back already. Mom didn't know what to say to me already.
I'm a bad bad bad kid.
Add maths is killing me. I spent all my time doing add math and didn't bother to care about bm or sej or eng or even accounts.
Damn.
I should chill now, and start to study.
Few more days.

说实话原来是这样的，那种感受。
如果真的就这样结束了，我该怎么办？
自己的心，连自己都不清楚呢。
究竟自己要的是什么，想的是什么？！乱。
现在不是时候。
很心烦很担忧很思念很慌乱很无助。
但你不在，一直都。
我无法向任何人诉说我的担忧我的惊慌我的无助只能装作我很好。
罢了。就是这样，才能成长不是吗？

迷茫。迷惘。

如空气般重要。

题记••••••••••••••••• 愿意在我面前妥协，拿我没办法的人，是真心对我好的人。

因为重视，珍惜，所以不愿意伤害，却又无法放弃，只能无奈妥协。
这是在文广的某一篇文中看见的，给了我很大的感触。
我的家人就是这样。
他们对我总是妥协，哪怕我是多么的不可理喻。
爸又出国了。
前几年还不会这么频密的说。
今年似乎出了有大概5次？还是3次？不是很记得了。
那天老爸抱着弟弟然后跌倒了。
因为弟弟太重。一时平衡不了就跌倒了。
我并没有看到，但是我听着也感到心痛。
在我成长的同时，我的父母也在哀老。
我是个很依赖父母的小孩，真的。
他们对我来说就如空气般重要。
我是个被宠坏的孩子 (笑
我总是很任性，总是气他们，我不好，真的不好。
我也想让他们安心但是不知为何总是做出让他们生气的举动。
我爸妈都很疼我。但是我很少对家里付出，反而是我姐很多东西她都在做。
嗯我不是个好孩子。
我不会承诺改变因为我从不认为我会改变也不要做无谓的承诺。
但是我会一直爱着他们。

今天我煮了 spaghetti 给我家人当午餐吃叻嘿嘿。
不过其实也只是煮给maid还有那两个弟弟还有我啦。
我竟然忘了有seminar。悲哀。
然后就缺席了science的seminar==++
我的记忆力真的衰退得很厉害。TT
不懂为什么会忘记。
唉唉。

昨天去seminar看到那个几乎两年未见的老师。
我很喜欢那个老师的。
他以前是我form 1-3 的math补习老师。但是之后就没有看到他了，除了上次那个颁奖典礼。(也是2年前了呃还是一年多
没有想到add math的seminar是他来教。他竟然也是有教add math补习，不过在kl分行啦，所以就算我知道也很大可能不能去orz
久违了，老师。
那时看到他的时候情绪超激动的。
啊总之很庆幸能够再遇见这个老师。

他说不能fear，要以平常心去对待。
以前pmr的时候我好像就是以平常心去对待的，只是不知为何spm唉。
一切顺其自然吧。

SPM快到了。

原来还是个过客。
会怀疑自己的心痛是真实的吗？
因为其实连自己都不相信会这样。
遥远。却又看似在眼前。飘渺的。
1021过了。过了。
毫无惊涛骇浪(？)的过了。还真有点不可思议。
我忘了吗？也许吧。
两年了呢。呵呵。知道不值得等了。
明年的1021，希望我连想你一分钟都不会有。但是几秒没关系吧 (喂

Time to move on I guess. Wasted too much time doing worthless stuff.
You don't even know.
Why am I so pathetic? Lol.
Still hoping that someday you might.. Nah, nevermind.

Stay strong.

莫名的。

预考了将近一个星期。

还是没有那种在考试的感觉。

我怎么了？不懂，真的不懂。

昨晚熬夜到4点。而且是2点多才开始读的。之前，就不说了。

都没再读。不停的告诉自己，这个考试很重要。

可是我究竟在做什么？我不懂。陷入了迷惘。

明天考华语。嗯。

说实话，到了部落那里看到太多文笔很好的人。

自以为文笔算是不错的我，发觉到其实我的文笔根本不值一提。

我不是一个很会表达自己的人。所以很容易让人误会。

但是我不喜欢用语言来伤人。

所以我很努力的，学习在表达。

Show encrypted text

福炎的信收到了。呵呵那种亲自拿着信的感觉真不同。

只是不知何时才会有时间回复。幻月我的信流失了吗？唉。

真的有种莫名的自卑。

看着那些文笔很好很好很好的人。

心中就会冒出一句话说，你那么差，根本不应该和他们有什么交集。

因为你，不配。

确实甭否认。我果然还是败了，败在自己的手里。

很努力的在压抑着那种感觉，很无措。

过于成熟的世界，不适合我吧。太过犀利的语言，我受不了。

我是个小孩，不想长大的小孩。

我只有一句话。

请不要忘了我，好吗？

默默的守着你，我不在意。

也许偶尔你会想起我。亦或者你不会记得我。

夜幕降临的时刻，是否会想起曾经的我们。

绵绵的雨，就如我，对你的思念。

对自己说声加油。晚安。

离。

我不擅长说话。
不擅长交际。
也根本不想要说话。只是被迫说话而已。
为了生存。
仅仅一个能够让我表达自我的地方。
我觉得变了。
我开始在乎，那就代表我在乎了。
那我就不会做自己了。
说话也要三思。
我不喜欢。
同时依恋着那里，怎么办？
过分那两个字烙印在我的心中。
嗯。
我不喜欢解释。因为没有人会明白。没有人会理解。
亦或那不是对我说的，但是我心中是这样对着自己说的。
只是不停的掩盖，再掩盖。以为遗忘了，结果根本没有。
既然决定了。
那我就消失吧。但终究还是需要时间来沉淀下来，悄悄的离去。
再等待他的到来。
我不想要他发现我心中最深的想法。
我不想让他知道我任何事情。
我，讨厌。
我不想要让他看见我懦弱的样子。
而选择了。
逃避。呵呵。
我很烂，我不否认。
毕竟那是事实。
我不是一个好人。我很自私没错。
我很假也没错。
总之我是个烂人。
所以不要靠近我。因为你会变烂。

我，悄悄的走了。
那微微的不舍，
无视。
遗忘。
我行的。也许我会回去。
但暂时不会再。
不见。祝我预考加油。一个人，没什么不好的。

迷惘。

我觉得你真的很像他。
很像，很像。
像得我差点，就把你当成他了。
事实便是，也许我真的有把你当成他的时候吧。
只是我不曾发现或尝试去发现。
也许就是那么盲目的在逃避。
不停的逃避。
我知道他已经不可能再成为当初我心中的那个他了。
我就把你当成代替品，替代他在我心中的地位。又或者你仅仅是我想把他留下而。我不知该怎么说。
就是哪怕是一点点的影子。我也想留下。
我是不是很坏？
所以我小心翼翼的不让你知道。
因为我懂你会伤得很深，很深。
深得也许你会离去然后永远都不理我。
你的心也很脆弱。我懂。
又或者我不曾懂。
若我懂，我就不会那样了啊。
可能你不曾用心。
可是我知道被当成替代品还是会很伤的吧。
不过我只能说。
我不会伤害你的。绝对不会。
也许有时诺言并不可信。
我会让你相信的。

我很坏，是吧？
我不曾是个好人。
只是他们一味地把我放入好人的范围里。
我根本不是。
也没有资格成为。
好人。

有些话，我不想说。

嗯话说收到了呢。还以为会流失的说 (砸
呵呵。现在看看谁的先来吧w

Lost.

Kind of lost right now.
No matter in friends, studies or the other aspects.
I'm afraid cause I'm becoming the second her. Maybe.
The one who purposely make friends with popular people.
I really do hate those kind of people so I don't wanna become one of them.
Sigh.
Trials is around the corner but I have not started studying at all.
And I just came back from camp yesterday.
How. Left two weeks only.
Can I manage to finish all the syllables? Oh god I'm so worried.
Save me.
Ishouldhavelistentowhatmydadsaid.
Feel like crying.
What if I fail my add maths in trials?
Urghh.
Regretted but I guess it's kind of late already.
:( :'( :/ TT
Shall start studying today.
But I have to finish all my work first. Again. haihhh.

And I haven't received my letter yet.
Was so excited yesterday that when I came home I thought there might be a letter for me.
But too bad excitements gone and disappointments came...
Still waiting. :)
Heh.

With lots of love,

angie hui mei

Taken for granted.

I'm always taken for granted.
No matter where i am. Societies or groups or anything.
Nobody seems to appreciate me. Okay maybe not all of them.
But still, don't you think it's kind of disappointing that you gave all you have but people don't give a shit about you. I'm not blaming. Maybe you think i'm, but i'm not.
I'm just trying to state the fact that people just won't learn to appreciate.
Even me myself don't really learn how to appreciate.
I'm still trying to learn. Someday maybe they lost what they have, they/I might learn to appreciate.
Still. I'm kind of disappointed with them. Always.
I thought they might change their attitude but apparently they won't.
They don't even give a shit about what i said, i guess?
Seriously. I hope they won't make me way to fed up till i have no choice but to leave.
Leave them.. Hmm. Idk. I have always wanted to be a responsible person.
But no a person to be taken for granted.
I have such a busy life. That i don't even have the time to finish my homework and stuff.
I felt so sick of this life man.
Always have to do this and that. Meeting here and there.
Uncountable work to do. Serious shit? But people are skipping meeting here and there.
Hah, i'm speechless man. Dude, you should seriously do what you should be doing.
Kay i shall skip to the other topic.
I think people should think before they speak. Before they started to scream and scold and blame people.
You should see, if you are really THAT responsible when you're scolding the others.
Hmm. It's not for me to judge. But, that's what i see.
Kind of disappointed with le friend. Or maybe i have already given up fighting.
Sigh. Such a pitiful life i have.
Dad said he's gonna stop me from going out next month. Lol.
I guess it's a good thing? At least someone could control me. And i would have a reason not to go.
For ALL the activities. Time to stop i guess.
Orelse i don't think i would have time to study for SPM.
抱歉，我不曾拥有归属感。
Just wanna say this out. What's in my heart.
Because they never cared. Why should i give a * damn then.
I'm not an angel or robot. I still do have feelings.
The moment my anger reach the highest point, that's it.
It's over. Don't ever try to cross my limits.
Oh and i'm going for marching for the sports day this year ^^v
Muahaha. Although i don't really know how to march but, can't wait for it.
Kinda nervous :p
And btw, i saw my ex campers during the xueji camp this year :D
Heheh took photo with 'em. Damn happy when i saw them.

Nights.

xoxo. -imperfections-

-培训营之第一篇-

这次，又进了膳食组。
说实话，我这次不是乱乱进的LOL.
虽然说有点遗憾，进不到辅导组。
可是，也好，因为需要筹备辩题的时间真的太多了，怕没有时间。
慧琳做了组长，佳雯是副组长。
营里面，晓慧学姐(sorry,不懂写对没有) 有问我，为什么没有去当组长还是副组长。
其实我也不懂lol。也许是不想要承担这样的责任？
或则是觉得自己没有能力？还是懒惰？没有时间？
自己也不知道。就，我会担心做不好吧。
我也不懂，不管我做什么，都会不停的犹豫。到最后一事无成。Sigh.

几次会议，两次没有出席。
第一次因为考试，第二次因为有辩论比赛。
这一年来，总共缺席了三次会议。

-工委进营第一天-
我迟进营。因为要去补习。
然后我有叫工人煮午餐给我的==
结果，她竟然在我回到家的时候跟我讲面不够所以吃完了 -__-
所以我就饿着肚子，把全部东西收拾好了，我爸就载我去Section 14的Mcd打包。
就发生了一件很意外的事！
国刚竟然也在那边买mcd LOL. 真的是巧到极点。
基本上我这么低调的学记他应该认不出我的，但是我穿着的是全国营营衣 /.\
所以就有跟国刚讲了一下话 哈哈哈。
基本上有点心虚，因为其他人进营了然后我在买mcd lol.
我进营的时候大概是5点，然后玉玲学姐也有sms问我为什么还没有进营的。
进营的时候他们在练营歌手语，然后我前一晚熬夜才练好那个营歌手语的 :S
印象中，我是有去开幕彩排，但是没有去准备晚餐啦。上个营也是酱的
晚上的时候（应该是吧），有跟哲圣学哥聊精辩的东西。
原来是他给那个保姆我的电话的= =
其实那天学哥来的时候真的有吓倒我lol. 原本很紧张了的，变成更紧张-_______-
就聊到蛮久一下拉。
然后晚上我们几个膳食组睡食堂，一些睡宿舍咯。
小组会议在我来之前就已经开了，结果我很多东西都很blur.
原本还打算晚上要问慧琳的，但是她要跟佳雯讨论东西最后什么都没有问。
2点多就在食堂睡着了。然后大概5点多吧，我也不懂因为没有看时间，就起来了。
根本就睡不回去。很想要睡回去但是不懂zomok不能啊啊啊啊
然后就一直转来转去翻来翻去，其实我很怕的咯。一直不敢开眼睛。
怕一开就看到。。。 哈哈哈 很恐怖= = 就很怕很怕很怕很怕就对了
不懂几久过后，canteen uncle来了。终于有人了然后慧琳也起来了
轻松多了，就不怕了。 :P 第一天就这样结束了。

-营员进营第一天/工委第二天-
营员进营了，有点紧张。然后就在食堂站岗，看到学弟妹就骂。
骂的东西都是差不多一样的 = = 我骂的时候他们讲我骂到很大声 :p
钰君学姐也有在食堂跟我们讲怎样骂人。
不久后营员全部进营了，然后膳食组也要去开幕了。
然后一定要有人守食堂的。我跟美满就是那两个人，同时我们也要准备茶点给嘉宾。
开幕拿介绍牌的时候，我和美满都有去，只是大合照我没有去。
很伤心，真的。自己培训学弟妹的营大合照没有自己，那种感受。
不过我坦诚地说，我并没有埋怨任何一个人。 :)
赶回来食堂的时候，吓死我= =
一到食堂就看到韵娟带编辑室成员和嘉宾来食堂了。然后东西还没有准备好omg.
就有点慌，但是最后还好都没什么问题 。
他们走了过后，膳食组全部都回来了。就准备午餐咯。
营员来的时候我们就尽量保持严肃，然后一直催他们快点。
其实我当时很想要找我的小主人的 :( 但是需要站岗。
然后我看到一个在面试的时候交流到最多的营员，她对我微笑。
我竟然！不受控制地也要对她笑OMG,要笑出来的时候我的理智回来了。
我马上转头 -___- 但是我觉得她有看到我笑...
跑站的时候有去观察到我的主人，当时候听慧敏讲他很不错我就开心到 xD
看到他，我就觉得他真的很有责任感。很优秀的学弟。
可是！他到现在都没有add我，大便他。= =
过后我多数都在食堂，没什么特别的事了。
还有晚上的开会。过后就跟佳霖去宿舍睡。