Define friends.

I used to thought that she would be the one after her.
But obviously not.
What I thought stays as what I thought, it didn't become real.
When did we met? Probably when we was in form 3, in the same class.
I was never close with her during form 3, I had my own gang and our seats were kinda far away.
Until then, we became classmates again during form 4.
It shocked me when she posted on my wall saying that she's excited to be in the same class with me again and stuffs.
Cause we were never close.
So we started as friends and became closer and closer.
In two years time, we became close friends, but we don't really talk about our real problems or secrets.
We just hang out together and have fun, but not heart to heart talk.
We actually had our heart to heart talk this year.
Just few weeks ago.
She talks about her ex, I talk about my so called love story HAH.
Talk about studies, friends and stuff.
I started thinking, probably she would be my second closest friend.
Until today we had a fight.
It wasn't a big deal actually.
I was never someone's first choice.
And I was mad at her because she had to dump us, and goes out with her friends.
It's not literally dump, but to me still it's because we are her second choice, so she decided to go out with her friends than going out with us.
She was angry and mad at the word 'dump' that I used it to describe her action.
Oh well, it's your choice to go out with anyone you want, I can't control you.
I just somehow felt kinda sad.
Probably because of this fight we would stop talking or something?
Way too emotional these days.
I wasn't really mad at her for choosing her friends than us.
I was just a little unhappy.
Because cases like this always happen to me.
Such a sad case.

Maybe I should think what have I done wrong. Karma maybe?
Nah doesn't matter anymore.

Gonna take my spm results tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I really do need alot of luck.
Straight As would be kinda impossible for me to get it. Sigh.

Sometimes when I need someone to talk to, you're not there.

梦醒了。

做了两个月的工。
前面一个月都浑浑噩噩的这样过了。同时很开心。
到了二月，突然什么都变了。
只是不懂得。罢了。
跟学记去了适耕庄。嗯自己看海的感觉其实不错。
感觉整个世界就剩下了我一个人。
骑了脚踏车。虽然过马路那些一直感觉好像自己会车祸那样的事最后还是活着回来了。
回来之后跟同事的关系依然如此的好。
只是这一两个星期突然发现所谓的美好不过是个假象。
我第一个月总是在想，这样的生活似乎太美好了。
美好得毫无瑕疵，似乎是个梦。
结果就在这第二个月我就梦醒了。
瞬间一切一切都变坏了。
适耕庄回来发现他们似乎拍拖了？...
算了也不可能再那么常见面了。
然后对于你我也不懂算是什么所以我也不知道要怎样所以也就这样。
一个星期前同事突然告诉我另一个同事（跟我很好的还给了她年饼的LOL ）背后说不喜欢我。
那个时候觉得还好只是有点伤心因为明明跟我那么好的人竟然这样。
好双面。
之后再发生偷窃事件就觉得无语无奈无言。
同事之间为什么要勾心斗角。
为什么要每句话都带根刺。
为什么要前面好好后面就多多话。
为什么会有这种没良心好朋友都出卖的人。（听说同事跟另一个同事的东西）
瞬间觉得社会太可怕，太恶心了。
有必要闹到这样的场面吗？
我天天上班都要对着他们笑我觉得好辛苦。
我不懂他们哪一句话是真的，哪一句话是假的。
每次说话要小心翼翼好辛苦。我不懂谁可以信任。
我爸说这个是给我训练。
不是很想要这样的训练。我可以不要出社会吗？
好可怕。

It's like a drama.
I can't seem to trust anyone & i have no idea who should i trust.
Why did all these happened?
Those people which i used to trust, close to, became those people that talked bad about me.
And so i wont regret for my decision to quit this job.
I gotta learn to be strong.
Soon everything will be alright. Hopefully.

Nights :)

27/2/2014 Thu
半夜 0018

Sad day. Frustration.

I had a bad day.
Well maybe not in the morning but when we were going back from her house to ktm I had so much problems.
I walked really slow because I brought so much luggage. I'm so stupid why did I brought so much stuff?!
They had to wait for me and even walk behind me so that I won't be left out.
They even helped me to take my stuffs.
I felt so useless, why did I caused so much problems to them? :(
I even fell down at the road side.
Wth urh. What's the problem with me man, walk also can fall down.
They had to wait for me again.
And walk much more slower because I hurt my knees.
I really felt bad because they're already rushing I tried to walk fast then I didn't saw the 梯级 or smth then I fell and everything just went wrong like that.
It started to be a bad day.
And before we leave the house they asked about 喜欢哪一个学记/对哪个学记有好感。
I didn't want to answer but in the end I was forced to answer lol.
Oh the reason I didn't want to answer is erm.. Well I don't really wanna say it out.
The answer I told them is 不完全是正确但是一部分是真的。(他们问好感嘛)只是喜欢的我没说是谁/什么区罢了 :p
只可惜到了最后我发现其实他好像根本就不是喜欢我所以我很懊恼然后我好像间接告白了 -_____-
如果那个时候他是误会我的意思那他就会认为那是告白了。
只是唉，不觉得他是喜欢我的lol所以告白干屁啊。
之前应该只是我的错觉？嗯。毕竟他已经说了...
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

我的区的聚会好像要cancel了？
很挫败很无奈很生气很无助很想哭很 frustrated
基本上这个区聚会全部都是我一个人在安排一个人在做但她也是有帮我。有东西我也是有跟她一起讨论。她不能去。
我只是觉得我很努力去搞好这个聚会了，为什么会这样？我不明白。
已经是最后一次的聚会了。
我的用心大家看不见？罢了。
然后我一直post说要快点说快点按going/not going他们不会去按的。
tmd不会看华语字？你不能去就按啦我又不是会打你到你家面前骂你。
还要我一个个sms问能去吗
我不想cancel可以吗？
真的。你们不要去说被禁足那你就禁足个够吧。不要来了。
我不想见到你们。我很伤心。很气馁
我教出来的学妹有一半是根本做事没有交代的
我是个废才什么都做不好，什么都不会。

Why did all these happens the day before my birthday?!
THANKS YO, IT'S THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT -.-

不堪。

I have no idea what to do.
Have to admit that I started to feel scared. I'm afraid.
I really do.
Counting down. Day by day.
Just few more days to go.
But I'm not prepared at all, NOT AT ALL.
When people asked what have I studied, I didn't know what to answer.
I don't even know what I'm doing these few days.
Not enough time already.
What should I do now?

I felt so insecure.
Sigh. Who do I mean to you actually?
Too much stuff. Bothering me, distracting me.
I feel like running away.
Dad came back already. Mom didn't know what to say to me already.
I'm a bad bad bad kid.
Add maths is killing me. I spent all my time doing add math and didn't bother to care about bm or sej or eng or even accounts.
Damn.
I should chill now, and start to study.
Few more days.

说实话原来是这样的，那种感受。
如果真的就这样结束了，我该怎么办？
自己的心，连自己都不清楚呢。
究竟自己要的是什么，想的是什么？！乱。
现在不是时候。
很心烦很担忧很思念很慌乱很无助。
但你不在，一直都。
我无法向任何人诉说我的担忧我的惊慌我的无助只能装作我很好。
罢了。就是这样，才能成长不是吗？

迷茫。迷惘。

心已死，却又为了谁而活。

我是一个活得很没心没肺的人，同时却又很在意着身边的人。
这就是自相矛盾吧。
有时候我会很怀疑自己进入了这个团体究竟是对的，还是错的？
不对，似乎我进的团体都不适合我。
从中一坚持到如今的辩论，依然是辩论，在我心中却似乎有些变质了。
前几天与知己通话至凌晨两点多，仍然很怀念那段很快乐的日子。
那时的我，与他们在一起辩论，是快乐的。
也许如今的我在辩论偶尔也是会感到开心，却已经找不回了，找不回当初的感受。
甚至已经开始犹豫，是否该离开了呢？可是不知为何却有些害怕，离去了的我该如何面对他们？我不知道。
我很懦弱，没错。
今夜的我快疯了。今天我很想哭，痛痛快快的哭一次。
我并不介意教练的忽视。好吧，其实我挺介意的。谁会喜欢被忽视呢？
我累了。你说我没天赋，我并没有放弃。
只可惜你始终看不见，看不见我的努力，那就算了吧。
已经五年了，就算继续下去，应该也没用吧。也许我真该听她的，干脆离去。
犹豫不决是我常常遇到的。我害怕面对未知。唯一留恋的，仅有那两位真正用心对我的吧。不过其中一位似乎有些，疏离了。
未知的恐惧，让我止步于此，无法往前，无法离去。

今日让我心死的，却不是这些。
看似无谓的，累积下来，真是受不了。
很用心的去待人，却得到一堆敷衍的回应，想说，我累了。
把自己的真心付出，也许我依旧太天真。
常常说笑笑就过了，我又何尝不知那说起来容易却很困难的事。
在我处处尝试去体谅你们的处境的同时，你们是否尝试过去体谅我的处境？
而你真的，太令我失望，失望透了。
你总是有着诸多的借口，让我不得不相信了你。
但你能天天在面书上发表言论什么的，你说你忙？那太可笑了，可笑之极。
而我还真的相信了，噗，我也觉得我很可笑。
这样也行。
呵呵，你，太，厉，害，了。
这样厉害的人我高攀不起，只希望你能自己检讨吧。
哪怕是在辩论的那个你，也变了。
为什么大家都变了？还是是我太笨，跟不上脚步。
自从你跟着他之后，大家都说你什么，呵呵你不懂吧？我也不说，太伤你自尊了。
我从未为你袒护，也从未说过你一句坏话。除了那一次你过于高傲的言行举止。
可惜你高攀了别人，而我也高攀不了你。也不愿高攀似你这类人，因为我看透了原来你是这样。原来你是这样的人。

所有烦恼一股脑地潮涌而出，我也许是忍耐许久，也许是酝酿了许久，也许是...太多的也许了。

我还是很懦弱。
对于考试，我总是随遇而安。
船到桥头自然直是我对于考试的唯一感受。
可是为何今年多了这么多的压力？
无论去到哪里都听到人说，SPM，SPM，SPM。天啊，就快被逼疯了。
所以出现了反效果。我并不因为压力而读书，反而跑去读小说。
因为沉浸在小说里头能够让我短暂的逃离，逃离这个世界。
好烦，好烦。
这几日我就是这样度过的。
也许堕落够了，就该振作了。
我会好起来的，你也一样。

今天至少有家人陪伴，胡思乱想的时间少了。
我该变回快乐的我。
我不会为了谁而改变，而谁也不能改变我。
家人依然是最重要的。
今天耗时陪了弟弟一个下午。
似乎好久，好久没有这么做了。
长大后的我太过忙碌了吧，看不见自己身边的人，其实，一直都在。

乱

明天就是econs考试了。
并不知道为何自己在这里。
当A+似乎成了遥不可及的梦想，我又该如何面对？
不停的告诉自己预考很重要预考很重要却还是不停的在浪费时间。
压力已经堆积如山但我却选择去忽视。
太想要得到而发现自己很可能做不到的感受是如何的？我也无法解释。
也是那是唯一一个能够证明自己的存在的吧。
又或许是自己怕输。没关系，已经输得什么都没了。
偶尔会觉得考试是一场赌注。若你刚好背的考试有出，那你赌赢了。
但总归还是要努力。若不努力，那就什么都没了。
很害怕明天的考试。
中四的时候没有一次不是A+，可是一到了中五似乎一切都变了。
直接跳到了A-。是自己不够努力吗？
是的。被太多太多的东西影响。
你会认为那是借口。嗯也许是吧。
读书不再愉快的感受让我无所适从。
那该怎么办？
除了继续读书，我想不到该怎么做。
如今还有好多还没读完。都不停的告诉自己说不要太有信心但却仍然无效。
我依然想保持着A+.

很喜欢看你的文字。
那种感觉截然不同。
在我无所适从的时候看看你的文字。
总会让我感到安心。
坚持下去。

Loves,

Angie. :)

莫名的。

预考了将近一个星期。

还是没有那种在考试的感觉。

我怎么了？不懂，真的不懂。

昨晚熬夜到4点。而且是2点多才开始读的。之前，就不说了。

都没再读。不停的告诉自己，这个考试很重要。

可是我究竟在做什么？我不懂。陷入了迷惘。

明天考华语。嗯。

说实话，到了部落那里看到太多文笔很好的人。

自以为文笔算是不错的我，发觉到其实我的文笔根本不值一提。

我不是一个很会表达自己的人。所以很容易让人误会。

但是我不喜欢用语言来伤人。

所以我很努力的，学习在表达。

Show encrypted text

福炎的信收到了。呵呵那种亲自拿着信的感觉真不同。

只是不知何时才会有时间回复。幻月我的信流失了吗？唉。

真的有种莫名的自卑。

看着那些文笔很好很好很好的人。

心中就会冒出一句话说，你那么差，根本不应该和他们有什么交集。

因为你，不配。

确实甭否认。我果然还是败了，败在自己的手里。

很努力的在压抑着那种感觉，很无措。

过于成熟的世界，不适合我吧。太过犀利的语言，我受不了。

我是个小孩，不想长大的小孩。

我只有一句话。

请不要忘了我，好吗？

默默的守着你，我不在意。

也许偶尔你会想起我。亦或者你不会记得我。

夜幕降临的时刻，是否会想起曾经的我们。

绵绵的雨，就如我，对你的思念。

对自己说声加油。晚安。

First day of test.

Today is literally not my day.
Bm paper two was so damn tough especially for the rumusan shit.
I didn't manage to finish the paper so I simply wrote some answers in it.
Do you know why I didn't manage to finish it?
It's because I was half asleep when the paper started. Damn it.
Wasted most of my time trying to make myself to be conscious but obviously it didn't work.
What the heck. Seriously hate myself.
Bm paper one I have no idea what I crapped in it. Especially for part B. I even wrote about pelacuran wth.
Cause I really don't know what to write. -_-
Should have chose the other question! I guess I would have more points on it sigh.

English paper tmr.
I shall jump off from the cliff now because arghh. I'm damn worried.
I really don't know how to write English essays. *cries*

救救我吧 TT
Hoping and praying that tomorrow's paper won't be as tough as bm paper. *finger crossed*

我要让他沉下去为何一直浮上来 :( 啊啊啊啊
还有我的信完全没有到 (叹气
一封都没有 (泪奔
我等了将近一个月啊啊啊 (跺脚
算了，考试要紧所以掰读书吧。

Complicated feelings.

I have so much problems right now.
Too much that I couldn't even list all those problems out.
What's the problem with me?
I just hate myself. For my attitude, my selfishness.
Ok I shall talk about this problem/ feelings that I had.
Most probably no one will see this but still, it's better if no one sees this.
Urgh the sentence doesn't sound right but yeah who cares man. It's my blog. So I don't care.
Back to the topic.
Well I went to school yesterday and teacher gave tips.
Oh and my friends didn't come to school, they stayed at home to study.
I have this not to give them the tips feeling because they chose not to come to school, and that's not my prob right? Right?
But this makes me look selfish. I shouldn't be selfish. At first I thought of giving them but my partner said aiya don't give them la since they stayed home to study. Their loss.
So I changed my mind and decided not to give them the tips.
But I felt guilty oh noooo.
So yeahhhhh
我就是一个很自私的人唉
Stilllllllllll urgh.
Maybe I'll give them, maybe. If I'm in a good mood & have alot of time to type/ take a pic of it and send them.
Most probably I will cause I didn't want to spoil our friendship just because of the tips lol.
Trials is on Monday. Omg few more days to go.

Should jump off from the building cause I didn't study much.
Ohgodsaveme. :(

Actually I missed you quite alot.
Oh and I hate being ignored :(
Can you try not to ignore me? Sigh sigh

And sibeh angry and stuff cause they didn't reply me didn't reply DIDN'T REPLY ME
WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS BE MORE UNDERSTANDING
I'LL BE HAVING TRIALS IN FEW MORE DAYS BUT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO CALL YOU ONE-BY-ONE.
DAMN I'M FED UP. 怨念。
DON'T MAKE ME HATE YOU GUYS.
DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE.
HOW MANY TIMES YOU GUYS WANT TO DISAPPOINT ME?
So sick of it.
Cmon you guys are not 3 yrs old kid.
Please la dude just reply me can ahh. Wth. Feel like swearing @(&:_)=$;;&::_

我很生气，后果很严重。
很讨厌你们很讨厌很讨厌我不要回去不要回去了不要不要回去看到你们我就生气很生气你们去吃大便please吃大便 很讨厌你们不珍惜我只珍惜她到头来明明就我做得很多她不会主动去做然后我很不爽但是她看起来很好人我又不敢摊开来说我真差劲之前我就知道你的态度很有问题了想不到在后面真的那样讲我们妈的如果我们全都走了我看你们办什么营鸡蛋糕啦你我们还不是为你好就不能尝试去了解吗你很有问题每次都这样。

离。

我不擅长说话。
不擅长交际。
也根本不想要说话。只是被迫说话而已。
为了生存。
仅仅一个能够让我表达自我的地方。
我觉得变了。
我开始在乎，那就代表我在乎了。
那我就不会做自己了。
说话也要三思。
我不喜欢。
同时依恋着那里，怎么办？
过分那两个字烙印在我的心中。
嗯。
我不喜欢解释。因为没有人会明白。没有人会理解。
亦或那不是对我说的，但是我心中是这样对着自己说的。
只是不停的掩盖，再掩盖。以为遗忘了，结果根本没有。
既然决定了。
那我就消失吧。但终究还是需要时间来沉淀下来，悄悄的离去。
再等待他的到来。
我不想要他发现我心中最深的想法。
我不想让他知道我任何事情。
我，讨厌。
我不想要让他看见我懦弱的样子。
而选择了。
逃避。呵呵。
我很烂，我不否认。
毕竟那是事实。
我不是一个好人。我很自私没错。
我很假也没错。
总之我是个烂人。
所以不要靠近我。因为你会变烂。

我，悄悄的走了。
那微微的不舍，
无视。
遗忘。
我行的。也许我会回去。
但暂时不会再。
不见。祝我预考加油。一个人，没什么不好的。